The. Goals.

I decided not to go back and formally write up a review of last year's resolutions.  Most of them were not accomplished and even at the time I felt that my goal list wasn't complete and didn't articulate where I was and where I wanted to go in 2016. A lot has happened in 2016.  A lot of change and a lot of goals were accomplished.  I have been trying to be more purposeful about my 2017 goals and make sure that they are aligned with what I actually want to accomplish.  I am also working through why I chose these goals and why they are important to me.   I am sure that in a year that some will be accomplished but others will be changed or adjusted.  Cheers to another successful year of getting IT done.

1. Go to Hawaii.

Our tickets are still not purchased for Hawaii so I felt that it was safe to put it as one of my goals for the year.  If  When we go it will also be taken off the bucket list. Yay! 

2. Compete in a half iron man
So this is the big one.  It's super big and feels slightly overwhelming.  I want to do Epic things and I feel like this one is pretty Epic.  I remember how happy I was after accomplishing the marathon and I can't even imagine the joy after I finish this race in July.  I felt that this quote below states part of this vision perfectly.

3. Pay off my student loans
We have less than $10,000 left on the loans.  Getting Sallie out of our house would be accomplishing a goal that I started over 10 years ago.

4. Work on the house
Last year the goal was to purchase a water softener.  Sadly, that never happened.  Instead we purchased new gutters, built a swing set/tree house, and completely gutted our master bath.  This year my goals are to finish replacing the last 3 windows in the house, purchase a new front door AND hopefully if there is room in the budget work on a new back patio.  oh...and we still need the water softener.

As I continue to write this list...I hope that in 2017 we fall into some extra time and money.  Clearly I have some high expectations BUT I know to always be graceful with myself.

5. Start my Masters
I know that this is a must in order to continue progressing in my field.  And I know that I just need to start. ...the faster I start...the faster I will be finished.  BUT the thought of it makes me feel super, insanely tired.
This will probably be pushed to the second half of 2016.  Either way -- it needs to be on this list.


There are a lot more things that I want to do and accomplish and make into habit in 2017.  I want to play outside more, mediate, have an amazing garden, volunteer at the boys school more frequently, eat healthier meals, keep Erin's memory alive, throw lots of crap away, read more books, learn more about investing, play golf with Mike, look at social media less and take more naps.

                                     

A little bit of a lot

Yikes!  I have not posted much this month and I miss my frequent sit downs and time to reflect.  I don't have anything enlightening to say but goodness is this a full, happy life.  For this post I am going to do a quick 5 and then maybe add some captions to the pictures. 

Also, I am sure that this goes without saying, but just a gentle reminder....I don't proof read.  

1. A non-family weekend. 

That might sound cold and harsh but holy hell I am excited to sit my ass down and just eat dinner with Mike.  In the past month we have seen and spent time with all the important parties of each of our families.  It has been an absolute whirlwind and I am LOVING (i don't think that I can say that enough) but I am loving sitting down and not having to worry if all of my laundry is folded -- because it will get done tomorrow.  You know why, because tomorrow I also have nothing on the agenda.  It is pretty wonderful.

2. 4 days of working out

Yup.  You can re-read that if you need.  I worked out 4 days...in a row...this week.  My ass is officially kicked.  This is long overdue and I am now officially terrified of my upcoming 70.3 BUT at least I made it to spin twice this week and I even got in the pool this afternoon.  I am pretty grateful for my health. I am grateful that I am able to push myself and that my body (though exhausted) helps carry me successfully through the day.

3.  Please and thank you

We have been having a hell of a time trying to get Jack to say these simple words.  RARELY he says "thank you."  When you ask him he always says, "Welcome." I am not even sure what to do about that.  But right now -- that is not the issue.  Right now he just won't say it AT ALL.  His little stubborn butt did not get milk this morning or his usual cartoons.  He is just being stubborn so he can show a bit of muscle.  Wowzers -- I have a feeling that he will be my toughest child hands down.  His world is about to be rocked while he is in "please and thank you" camp.  

4. My husband is a freaking ROCKSTAR

I have not been able to keep things balanced this month and he has picked up ALL of the slack.  He does the dishes, the housework, and last night he even did the meal planning and grocery list.  He put away all  most of the Christmas decorations, he does bed time most nights and mornings quite a few. I am sure that he wants to strangle me at times and feels alone at others.  I am so grateful that he is helping me to figure out some of these dreams.  He is helping me figure out how to fit it all in.  He is always funny, kind, and is ALWAYS ALWAYS there when I need him.  He is the absolute best.  

5. Good food, great company, and lots of time together

One of my favorite things is being able to spend time with friends and family.  This month we have been able to give hugs, catch up and have FUN with our family.  All of them.  (I know you just read this approximately 2 minutes ago -- but I felt the need to remind you).

I am grateful that both of my parents have also survived the month of December.  Our world was rocked quite a bit and I am glad that we are back on our normal axis.  Grateful. Grateful. Grateful.  And that is a fabulous feeling to end off the year.

Kara & John's house on Christmas night.  Half of the party already left.  Cheers!

I took the kids to the Children's museum at the beginning of break.  On our way in we saw Zeke and his dad.  Zeke is in boy scouts and I think that he is probably Owen's best friend.  When I am with Zeke I do not stop thinking about Sawyer.  They are so similar it freaks me out sometimes.  Zeke's dad (uh...yes...that is what I call him) and Mike hang out at boy scouts so I have a feeling our families will just become closer as the years of Forest Glen continue.

All of the curls.  Immediately after his bath SBJ has so many sweet curls.  We have an obsession with them at our house.  AND since our children rarely get bathed, we take pictures!

Dennis and Sam stayed with us for 3 nights.  Our house was full and so were our hearts.  I think that Nash was in heaven.

We went to my parents' house for Christmas Eve.  My mom and I destroyed the kitchen with 2 batches of Christmas Pasta and we played games all evening.  We made all of the boys take a nap on Christmas eve )which looking back was a TERRIBLE idea) but their moods were in tip top shape and we all had a great time.

Yes -- that is for real. 

All of the Christmas pictures are on Mike's phone so you are saved from our early morning madness....sort of....here are the two that I had.

Legit -- one of my goals in 2017 is for my children to have good haircuts. ALL. THE. TIME.

My dad is doing awesome.  I am not sure if our hearts could be any more happy with the outcome of that short disaster.

Rooms for days.  You get a work out when you try to chase kids around at this house.

One of the best parts of this week was sitting down with Heidi and catching up on life.  We were going to try and meet at the YMCA so I could get into the pool and not be scared since she would be  by my side but we ended up going to lunch instead.  I could sit and talk with her for hours.  We actually sat for so long that my coffee got cold so I needed a fresh cup.  Grateful that she keeps me on track with my goals!

Back to normal

1. 5am mornings with SBJ

I am only getting a few hours of sleep at night since I get home from work around 1130 but I am able to spend a few extra hours alone with Jack.  Yesterday morning when he was up at 4:54am I tried to talk to him via the monitor and tell him to lay back down to sleep -- he started saying "mom" more frequently.  I got up to try to see if milk would bribe him to lay down.  It didn't.  So the past few days I pulled him out of the crib and we have watched cartoons together while the rest of the house slept.  Yup, I am pretty exhausted but I know that these days are limited and few so I am trying to enjoy his sweet little crazy ass self before he gets too old.

And don't let this post fool you.  After I took Jack to daycare yesterday morning....I immediately went back to sleep for 2 hours.  This morning will be a bit different and the four of us will be running errands and heading to the Children's Museum. 

2. All of the art
Our house is filled to the brim with art projects and a passion for creating.  This year for Christmas the boys are receiving primarily art supplies and books.

 When I got home from work on Wednesday this was sitting right by the door.  It made my heart jump.  Owen had made winter art for me and Mike at school that day and I loved his little  presentation.  Every night when I get home the house is asleep so these little things help to keep me connected.

3. Taco Bell at work
Last night Mike brought the boys AND Taco Bell to the hospital for dinner.  It was a fabulous break from my normal routine and I absolutely love when I have a few extra moments with my boys.  Though Jack was a little crazy (per usual), Mike and I both agreed that we want to make this part of our monthly routine.

4. Work is SO. MUCH. BETTER.
Everyone told me to wait 6 months...and they were all correct.  Now I know to add this little piece of information into my bits of advice for life.  I have a HUGE learning curve at work-- which I absolutely love.  I don't love making the daily mistakes but wowzers I am learning so freaking much! Everything thing I do is new.  Though I am making a million mistakes and I am learning to be more humble and ask even more questions.  (I am not sure how that is even possible.)  I am starting to receive positive feedback from the staff on night shift and that gives me encouragement and makes my heart happy.  A few nights ago two of the PSPs gave me an awesome Christmas gift which included this sign for my office.  Side note: my husband doesn't like pizza...... Anyways, I am feeling a lot more comfortable, I am tackling my daily TO-DO list, and I am really enjoying my new role (most of the time).

5. Brothers
"I wish Jack was a little bit older so he would know a little bit of stuff, right mom?" -- Cameron.

This has not made the list in awhile but the connection between these three is the absolute best.  Cameron and Owen are starting to bicker like an old married couple but we have not had any major wars yet.  The both love SBJ and essentially cater to his every whim.  Owen gives a tiny bit more push back (which is WAY appropriate) but overall their younger brother is the leader of the pack.

Last but not least .... all three boys are now up.  The twins woke up at 6am -- they don't even get up that early school days.  Usually I am pulling them from bed at 6:20am.  Yikes -- welcome to winter break.

it's a busy life

1. The hispanic festival

This year we attended two different nights for the annual hispanic festival.  It always makes me happy to watch the boys perform their dances.  The hispanic heritage is a bit sexual so it is interesting to see how they incorporate some of these moves with kindergartners.  Mike and I commented that the two 6th grade classes had the most tame/boring dances AND they had the same dance for both nights.  Clearly the music teacher does not want to teach these hormone filled 6th graders to shake their hips.  Anyways, the boys had a great time AND Mike and I were able to spend 90 minutes next to each other.  It was all pretty fabulous. 

I MUST shout out to Melissa who babysat for Owen's show and Doug who babysat for Cameron's show.  Free babysitting is the absolute BEST.

2. Santa is DONE
I am super impressed that Santa will be able to sit back and not worry about making or wrapping presents for the next few days.  I am sure that his elves are very happy.  Personally, I just have to wrap gifts for my parents which should be shipped via Amazon in the next few days.

Looking forward to just spending TIME with all of my boys over the holiday.

3. Jack is feeling better!!
Last Tuesday Jack was a bit rough.  I was able to take him into the office and we were promptly given steroids, breathing treatments, and antibiotics.  Last night he was running around like a crazy man and wrestling with his brothers.  Goodness -- healthy children make such a difference.

4. Scheer Family Christmas
I don't have any pictures from our weekend -- somehow they all ended up on Mike's phone.  This weekend we went to Ohio to celebrate Christmas with some of Mike's family.  We came in on Friday night and stayed up WAAAYY too late drinking wine.  I love when we stay at the Jarrett household but holy hell does it wear me out!  I had 3 hours of sleep before I was back up again with SBJ who was still feeling like ass.

The weekend was filled with family, amazing food and lots of prosecco.  Oh...and it was filled with Jack walking up and down and up and down the stairs...over and over.

Grateful that we were able to go and catch up with everyone!

5. Jack is turned in the car -- officially.
We decided to officially move Jack to forward facing this past weekend.  Oh holy hell it is heavenly.  Now I can see his little pout face as much as I want.

My husband

As we laid in bed last night (we went to bed at 815pm) we were talking about our wedding and what we loved about the week we had in Vegas.  It's absolutely insane that I haven't even known Mike for 4 years.  He truly feels to be part of the make-up of my soul.  These past three years have quickly taught us that life is taken away or changed in literally a blink of an eye.  We have been empowered to follow our dreams, spend lots of time with family and do the things that matter to US.  These past three years Mike has taught me how to embrace the silliness, how to deal with the grossness of a household filled with boys and he has taught me that he is a significantly better cook.  I could not dream of a better husband or man that I would want to fill my days with for the rest of my life.  

In honor of our anniversary I decided to share some pictures from one of our old trips.  Right now Mike and I are craving some time together with no other agenda except being together.  Exploring the world together is something that we both absolutely love.  Cheers to another fifty years of travels.

These gems are from our trip to Napa three years ago.  I don't think these particular photos made the cut into our yearly album so I decided to share the love on our blog.

We took a limo around all day and holy hell by the end we were both a bit drunk....actually Rouzer held his shit together....I on the other hand needed an immediate nap once we got back.  Enjoy.

The cave....that wasn't really a cave.  

This was the view from our VRBO.  It was breathtaking.  

Our first stop into wine country.  Yes -- we wore our new (at the time) matching florescent highlighter tops AND my Ozsome sunglasses.  

A champaign celebration after I finished my marathon.  We ate California Pizza Kitchen 2 nights in a row while we were in SanFran because I was so sick and so exhausted.  ....Don't judge....at least we were IN California.

Our first and hopefully not last trip to Rosemary.  This was our first big trip as a family.  

I needed to add this spectacular picture of me for the finale.   We were headed home from SanFran.  We literally jumped out of bed when we realized we could take an earlier flight home that would cut off hours of travel time and so we could hug the boys a bit earlier.  I wanted to add this photo because this is what Mike deals with on a daily basis.  I have been the comfortable type of gal my ENTIRE life.  Thank you for always letting me wear my pajamas.  

"Go and love someone exactly as they are.  And then watch how quickly they transform into the greatest, truest version of themselves.  When one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered."      ~Wes Angelozzi

A regroup

I am not able to quantify the exhaustion that surrounds today.  Not even close.  As my dad was exhubated I was on pins and needles.  As he continued to struggle to breathe, cough, and communicate I stared at his every move.  His smile warmed my heart and when he told me that he loved me I was so glad and honored that I was able to hold his hand.  The amount of stress that I carried around all afternoon watching every vital sign, every eye movement and tried to understand every breath -- it was exhausting.  And when 3pm rolled around I felt the every bone in my body want to escape the walls of this hospital.  I had left the room for about 3 minutes in order to give him privacy while the nurse was helping him.  When I went back to grab my phone I could tell that my dad was not ok.  Not even close.  Within minutes he was intubated again.  To say that this was crushing or that I was defeated...that does not even touch the range of emotions I felt.  I sobbed into the phone to my husband from the hallway.  Other families came to their doors in order to assess the commotion.  Our nurse, Heather, was even in tears.  So right now I do not know what is happening.  His lungs are clear and his blood gasses were pretty good.  Now there is something new and we started back at square at one.  It's shocking, upsetting and confusing.

I have asked at least 1000 questions these past few days...at least.  I understand the details of the drips, his vitals, the goals, and how long it takes to get there.  I have seen more vent suctioning more than I ever care to experience in my life.  I have fired a nurse (don't judge -- she made HUGE mistakes).  And huge mistakes kill people in the hospital.

So here is the thing that I have to decide....I have to decide when to go home.  Since we started back at square one we just tacked on a few weeks until my parents are home.  The doctors have to figure out what is going on, find a solution, and then try to wean the vent again.  I can't ask anymore questions, I can't muster the strength, I can't imagine sleeping on this fucking cot anymore.  I want to stay with my dad.  I feel like his only advocate.  Though my mom is here -- I am the one who is able to explain everything to her.  I feel the pull for me to stay.  I realize the importance of mustering the courage.  But how long do I stay?  Weeks? Months?  After today I realized how clearly that I don't know the end of this battle.  When we did this dance with Erin I had the warmth of my own bed, the hands of my husband, and the family to help take on some of the burden.  Here it's just us.  My mom, my aunt, and my uncle.

I know that as I write this out I sound selfish.  I sound scared and fearful.  Courage and strength are not part of my make up today.  I feel like I used them up.

I feel like I used them all up and I need to go home to refuel.  I need to experience Jack lay his head on my shoulder as I sing him to sleep and I need hear Owen tell me the most minuscule details of his day.  I need to fall into Mike's arms and sob freely while he just holds me.  I need to just watch Cameron enjoy life and be a free spirit, reminding me to just stop and enjoy life.

My dad is my dad and to be honest I am not prepared to say goodbye.  I don't have any interest.  I am not saying that he is going die... I don't want to even imply.  But since I am leaving the state, at least for a few days.. I need to figure out how to say goodbye.

Dad

I am not sure how I am going to get through this post but I know that it is necessary to write some of these things down.   Be gentle on me -- my mind is clouded, exhausted and over stimulated.  This entry is a bit more random and jumbled than normal.

On Wednesday evening my parents were in Denver to visit Sawyer and Eloise.  My dad was in immediate care because he was having a hard time breathing and overall just wasn't doing well.  He has been fighting some type of cold for the past 5-6 weeks but I think being in the high altitude made it harder to breathe.  Eventually they sent him to the ED and within an hour he was emergently intubated.  It's fair to say that the outcome looked grim.  He is very very sick and the care team here continues to tell us that we are working on an hour to hour basis.  Though I think we are all a little more optimistic than 24 hours ago -- we are all still very scared.  

So in honor of my dad I want to share a little bit about what makes him wonderful and unique. 

1. His LOOOOONG ass stories

My dad is man of few words.  Those that have met him or know him well would agree...but once you get him talking....he does not stop.  

Owen does the same thing and every time he begins a new story it reminds me of my dad.  I will say that usually his stories are pretty interesting overall and once you get him talking he is pretty passionate. 

2. He doesn't like to be touched

My dad is not a big hugger or liked to be touched by anyone.  My mom will disagree on this but to EVERYONE else he would rather just do a fist pump.  For example, if you try to share his food, he will stop eating it. It's just one of those wonderful quirks about my dad.

3. More of the random....

He loves science fiction books and reads all of the time and reads insanely quickly. 

Since his retirement he has had a strange obsession with the Dr. Phil show.  

He loves listening to musicals and has instilled the love of these songs in my children.  

He is great a mental math and has always tried to help those skills grow in his children and grandchildren.

He is brilliant with directions and from a young age tried to teach me as well.  I am no where close to his abilities but I think Owen might have the gift.

This one makes me laugh...but most of the time when I say, "Bye dad-- I love you" on the phone, he will respond with, "ok. bye."  Every now and then he will throw out an "I love you too." So when he does it always make me chuckle.  I want to be clear -- I know that my father loves me.  Very much.  It has never been a question.  I just wanted to write out one of his many quirks.  

4. He is a wonderful grandfather and father

It is pretty easy to feel the feels about my dad.  This man has been a constant, solid support throughout my life.  He is easy to be around, kind hearted and has the patience of a saint. 

Of course I love my dad -- he has been the foundation of my entire life.  It's these past 7 years that our relationship has grown like crazy for the obvious reasons -- I have grown up, I now have kids and we have traveled down a few tragic roads together.  I feel closer today than ever with my dad.  I feel like I am able to understand him as a father AND as a man.  I see him multiple times a week when he is helping with the boys and when they were little it was essentially like he was our "Manny."  My dad is absolutely fabulous.  Thank you for teaching me patience, for being the calm during all of our storms, and for simply helping me survive life.  I feel so grateful and so honored that he is my dad.

5. A safe trip to Denver

I was able to make it into town quickly.  My husband is un-freaking-believable and has been taking over the household since Thursday morning.  I know he can handle it and I know he is a beast but I also know how difficult and lonely it can be without your partner to share in the eye rolls and constant "go brush your teeth."  I am lucky that I am able to fully be present in Denver knowing that he has life in Indy under control.

The flight in was rough.  I actually thought that it was very likely my dad had passed away but my mom was not communicating with me.  She was barely texting and so I decided to just stop asking questions and just wait until I showed up.  When I landed in Denver the tears were flowing.  My seat mates even showed concern and offered prayers.  Something that I was grateful for during the flight was the sunrise coming up behind the plane.  It was absolutely spectacular.  My picture does it no justice but I would try and use the beauty to help calm my soul.

SUCH GREAT PROGRESS.  This relieved so much stress that I needed to add it to my blog somewhere.

This was my cot next to my dad's bed last night.  We have since moved into a different ICU room and my cot is not so close but I could not get over the fact that they were letting me stay in his room AND provided me with a cot.  Super impressed with this hospital system