I am trying to give myself time to grasp what is now reality. I think that my anger and overwhelming sadness have successfully depleted most of my coping mechanisms. I go through the day with almost everything...literally everything...and think "Ahhh - this is one of the blessings that I should be looking for." Yesterday I was walking to the mailbox and I realized, "I haven't been sad for almost 10 minutes. Someone must be praying for me or sending me strength and it's working." I am trying desperately to see 6 months out...to have some of these responsibilities and decisions under my belt and be in the swing of a new normal. The weight of the world feels heavy right now though I keenly know, it is just my own emotional weight. (Thankfully) I am fully aware that today too will end, and I will wake up with tomorrow.
My dad was my biggest supporter when the boys were little. He was always around helping. Always.
ok, so I am absolutely sure that I don't have the strength and ability to talk about how great my dad was and how much he meant to me right now. It's too deep and too raw. So I am going to do a quick 5. I am in a pretty big ebb right now so please bear with my 5. It's hard to see the beauty in the day.
1. Flowers
I just received the most beautiful flowers from an old sorority sister who I haven't talked to for over 15 years. That is how these past few weeks have been. It was the same when my sister died and is more overwhelming when my parents have passed. The gratitude stops you in your tracks.
so.....I have started #2 and erased and started and erased multiple times. Nothing is able to capture my heart. I don't want to give up on my blog post- I have done that before. I think I am going to leave it with what my aunt said to me while we were in the hospital at my dad's bedside.
"Your dad was a great dad. He was a great dad before it was actually a thing to be a great dad. You guys had a good life. You had lots of good memories. You did it right. You didn't leave any regrets on the table. You should be so proud of the family that you grew up in and the love that you guys had for each other."
