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1. My mom went to ballet

It has been awhile since my mom made an appearance at ballet.  She finally felt good enough to make the trip.  It was nice to have someone to sit and talk with during class.  Grateful that she is feeling better.  We were both SPENT once I got home. 

2. My middle child is such an airhead
He lost his NEW COAT.  Holy hell I can't believe it -- or maybe I can.  He wrote out 25 sentences but I don't think that punishment affected him much.  Last night I told him that if his coat doesn't come home he will have to use his own money to buy one.  That is when the tears started to flow.

Cameron is my saver and the thought of "wasting his money" on a new coat just put him over the edge.  I have faith that his coat will turn up but holy -- enough with losing his coats!!

3. 91 days until VACATION
Vacation is booked.  We are headed to Sandals for a 4 night, kid-less stay in the Bahamas.  Um...... I AM SO EXCITED!!!!

4. An hour is over of my work day
It has been a slow hour....and now I only have 8 left.  That is great news.  And during those 8 I hope to have some fabulous, free lunch.

5.                                    
For the past 24 hours I have had an anxious mind.  I have to go for another ultrasound on my breast lump on Friday.  My mind is going crazy and if I have to get a biopsy I will need a xanax to get through the rest of the day.  I am not going to try and put a positive spin on this.  I thought about it and thought about it and of course I am grateful for Natalie, Dr. Goulet, the people who will do the scan, the techs, the radiologist ...I am grateful for their schooling, for the care.... of course I am.

I am scared.  A bit close to terrified.  And if they want to do a biopsy I might just have tears in my eyes....or rolling down my checks.  I thought about not even posting this until I know the results BUT I use this blog sort of as a diary.  And this is something that I want to document.  Somethings you just are not grateful for.....like cancer.  At least I am not.  Not right now.

Weekends are the BEST

We had a great weekend.  Here is a bit of a recap.

1. Owen started meds

I finally took Owen to the doctor on Saturday morning and we started him on some meds.  I had Jack checked out as well because he has been grabbing his ears but he was fine and just has a cold.  The doctor told us no play dates on Saturday but we requested that Owen wear a mask instead of being quarantined and he agreed.  As always -- Owen beasted out the weekend like a champ. 

2. Eloise liked her gift -- and it FIT.
Jess had a low key party on Saturday afternoon and it was great!  I think that my favorite part was Eloise immediately asking to wear the ballet outfit we purchased AND it fit.

 3. The boys love to paint
I am grateful that the boys are at an age that they can sit down together and paint.  I think that it is wonderful and I hope that they continue to be creative as they continue to grow.  During this painting session I sat and watched them AND watch Jack crawl around.  Jack is constantly at their toes.  Constantly.

 4. BEAUTIFUL Sunday afternoon & Jack went on his first wagon ride
We were outside all afternoon yesterday.  Mike and I cleaned the garage, I did a SMALL, tiny amount of yard work, and Jack went on his first wagon ride.  It warms my heart to see all three boys play together.  ....but not yet warm enough to have another one...

5. Chinese food & Vacation planning
After a great day out doors....we didn't have to think about DINNER!!  For some reason I think that thinking about dinner every night is exhausting. My parents brought Chinese over and my mom and I searched for our upcoming vacation.  It was a bit crazy in our house as the night dwindled down but it was a great end to a great day.

6. SuperMario
After the boys went to sleep Mike and I played SuperMario.  We were terrible but it was still fun.

Mike's LIST

1. Rebuild a car (Hopefully a Jeep)

2. Paint a picture worthy of hanging inside

3. Bow hunt moose or elk

4. Go on a "vision quest"

5. See pyramids of Giza

6. Hunt/kill/process deer to provide for family

7. Cliff jump from 50 feet

8. Learn how to play guitar

9. Win archery competition

10. Teach a college course

11. Drive a race car over 150 mph

Paint Night

1. Date night with Mike

With three young boys, a hormonal wife, and a new business life can get routine and overwhelming.  Mike and I decided on Thursday morning that we needed to take time for each other that night.  We ended up having a painting night.  It was a great way to relieve some stress and spend time with each other.  No--the final product is not being posted -- but it will proudly hang in our garage with our last painting AND more to come!

2. Spoon Full of Sugar
This week Owen has been rough.  I am actually taking him (finally) to the walk in clinic this morning and last night Mandy confirmed my fears of pneumonia.  I didn't have any kid flavored medicine this week so I had to give him the gross adult medicine (don't worry -- he was still able to take it).  Anyways, I showed the boys a clip from Mary Poppins and then last night we borrowed the movie from the Stahlys and watched it as a family.  I LOVE that movie.  I couldn't tell how the boys felt.

3. Jack is clapping
Jack just started clapping as I am sitting here typing.  The boys are eating cinnamon rolls, Jack is eating an egg and I am starting off with some coffee.  Jack is just watching all of us and clapping.

4. Bagged leaves
Thursday afternoon I was able to bag the leaves that Mike had put in piles earlier this week.  I used my dad's mulcher and it was super easy.

5. It's SATURDAY
A day with these 4 boys makes me happy.  Looking forward to a morning in our pajamas, an afternoon birthday party, and playing into the evening.  Grateful for these hours with my men.

one liners

1. Mike puts Jack to bed
Mike is the master at putting Jack to sleep at night.  I usually read the twins their books and Mike takes over the responsibility of Jack.


Last night I was the one who put Jack to sleep -- and once I was finished Mike and I talked about the ritual.


I want to document some of what Mike told me last night because I know that these sweet memories will fade for him.  He loves when Jack reaches up and touches his face.  Jack does it every night while he is drinking his bottle.  He reaches out moves his little fingers around and just stares into Mike's eyes.  Mike rocks and holds him and enjoys these moments alone and lets Jack completely fall asleep in his arms before moving him into his bed.  Sometimes if I am passing the room he lets me give Jack a sweet kiss on the head before sending him off for the night. 


I am grateful that those two boys have these moments alone.


2. Jack is 9 months
Holy hell I can not believe he is 9 months old.  This sweet little boy continues to grow and grow and seems to be sleeping less and less.  Right now is favorite thing to do is crawl and explore.  If you put him on the ground he is in heaven and does not stop exploring.  His absolute favorite spot in the house is the boys' room.  He is still learning about "NO."  Some outlets he stays away from but others he still gravitates towards.  This morning he was in the hallway and both Mike and I said "no" at the same time.  He turned toward me, started to frown, then lip quiver, then cry and immediately put his head down.  Mike and I both held back our laughter and both agreed -- he is so stinking sweet.


Last night at ballet he was flirting with the lady sitting behind us.  Every few seconds he would stop drinking his bottle, sit up, look around my back and smile.  Once she smiled back and they made eye contact for a few minutes he would lay himself back down.


Jack is pulling himself up to standing and I hope by 10 months I am NOT updating that he began to walk.  I want my sweet baby to stay a baby for a little bit longer.

3. Day off tomorrow
I am pretty excited to have a day tomorrow to clean, make returns at the store, do laundry, and catch up on "life" to feel relaxed. 

4. I am off of work in an HOUR.  It's beautiful out!!!

5. Text messages
This little handy tool makes life a lot easier.  Usually.

every. day.

1. Emotional bravery

I have been having a hard time in the past year with mustering up some emotional bravery.  On the days that I step up to the plate I feel proud but most days it takes courage to step up and I find myself there few and far between.  I find myself stretching, growing, and continually trying to be brave and if I am being honest, most days I just stick my head in the sand. 

I am not trying to be vague.  Most of the time I am around Sawyer and Eloise I find myself struggling.  It's not that I want to bury my head in the sand.  The heaviness of Erin's absence becomes overwhelming.  I feel that I need to be more present and struggle with the reality of my role and responsibility.  It's a hard internal struggle that I find myself facing -- and though I know it is all internal -- it is all very real.  I want to do MORE...but doing more is really hard.  Exhaustingly hard.  And then I find that I am a terrible wife, a difficult mom and an overwhelmed Aunt.  So then I back up.... and in a few short days I feel sad and disappointed that I have not stepped up to the plate.  I have struggled to figure out how to do both.  How to be there for Sawyer, Eloise, and Jess but to also be the mom and wife I want to be for my own family.  Next year Jess plans on moving to Denver.  It will be different challenge and at times I think that it could be easier.  I would be farther from the pain but also farther from the responsibility that I KNOW is a necessity.  

I am typing this out on the eve of ballet.  Ballet is not hard BUT I am also not really spending quality time with Eloise.  I am more of a chauffeur and then sit out side her classroom while she dances.  It takes my entire evening away from the twins (I take sweet baby Jack with me).  I get home in time for a goodnight kiss.  I don't want to sound like I am complaining because that is not my intention.  My intention is to document this struggle of loss.  I miss Erin.  I don't want to feel that I have to step up.  I want her to be here.  I want this nightmare to go away.  I don't want to feel that I am failing as a sister or as an aunt AND in order to succeed in those areas I fail as a mom or a wife.  I want to be able to find balance.  To share in happiness and joy.  I want to provide healthy interactions and safe secure hugs.  

I am continuing to grow and I do feel that I am doing better.  A little bit.  I am grateful for this little bit...no matter how little it might be.

2. Cameron found his coat

Yesterday Cameron brought home two coats from school. His new coat AND his lost (now found) coat. 

3. Owen is a BEAST

My sweet Owen rarely gets sick and when he does he is a beast.  He has had a rough cough for the past few days and though I have given him some cough medicine before bed he rarely complains and acts like his normal self.  Last night when the boys got home I was giving them hugs and Cameron felt warm.  He has been pouty and exhausted lately so I thought maybe he was running a fever.  

Owen went and grabbed the thermometer for me and I was wrong.  His temp was normal.  Owen asked for me to take his -- and his was 100.6 !! Now I am a nurse and know that this isn't through the roof but I also know that if I had a temp of 100.6 I would be miserable.  Miserable.  I wasn't even going to take his temp!!  I immediately gave him some more medicine, extra hugs, and LOTS of compliments. This morning it was down to 99.5.  Grateful for his beast mode. 

4. The video monitor

This morning Jack woke up at 430.  He has not officially changed his time back an hour like the rest of us. I got up with him, fed him and tried to put him back down in hopes that he would figure out that time is pushed back an hour.  Once I let Nash out and I got back to bed I looked in the video monitor and could see him standing in his crib staring at the door.  He was quietly staring just waiting for me to come back.  It made me smile and I promptly woke Mike up and passed off the responsibility.  Anyways --back to my point.  I love that I can see him without opening the door.  

5. My husband

I try not to add him to the list every single post but he in reality he makes my list every time.  He is wonderful.  So grateful for this man and the life that we have together.

Monday Morning

1. Beautiful weather on Halloween

The past two years the weather has been a bit rough for trick or treating.  This year we had great weather and it reminded me why I love this holiday.  I didn't get many pictures on my iphone because we were trying to juggle all five kids.  We went trick or treating in Erin's neighborhood and it was awesome.  The houses were pretty close together AND there were not many people on the roads.  It was very safe.  After Sawyer and Eloise were worn out we decided to hit up a few houses in our neighborhood.  It was a successful night.

Jack ended up pooping through this outfit pretty quickly.  He has had some major blowouts recently where poop gets all the way up to his neck!  I have just been throwing him in the bathtub and then he is in heaven.

 2. Family Pictures
This year my mom had a mini session done with all of the grandkids for her Christmas card so on Sunday afternoon we all headed over to Ft Harrison for pictures.  After the quick photo shoot the kids played on the playground.  Once we left the Fort the five of us met my parents out for dinner.  We haven't done that in over a year.  Jack slept through the whole thing (which is fabulous since he didn't really sleep all weekend) and the boys practiced their Spanish.  It was a great day and we were all exhausted and asleep early.

3. "here's my mother..."
Yesterday Cameron, Jack and I were playing in Cameron's room and he started singing.  I had a hard time following his song but he soon clarified the words, so here's my mother, so call me maybe"  He didn't believe me when I said that the words were actually --"here's my number.." So we found the song online and with a huge smile on his face he decided to change the words he was singing.  It has made me smile all weekend.

4. Halloween Candy
I have an obsession.

5. A clean house in the morning
I have been dragging lately.  (Probably too much candy and not enough working out.) This morning it felt great to wake up to a clean house, especially after the long night with a snotty baby.