JOY

1. Country Music

I think that it is pretty obvious that we love music.  I have music playing during most times of the day.  Right now...this minute...I am grateful for country music.

2. A house filled with joy

The boys were at Greg's this weekend.  Honestly, I was ready for a much needed break.  Once I get home from the drive I immediately fell into bed and enjoyed the silence.  After about two hours I missed the feet running down the hallway and the constant chatter, chaos, and hustle of the day.  This weekend I basically sat and took in all of the silence and instantly became grateful that our home is filled with joy every. single. day.

3. Christmas cards

My christmas cards are created. Purchased. Delieverd. And many of them are addressed.  Uh....I am ON TOP OF IT!!

4. The hall light

Cameron's new nightly obsession is the hall light.  He wants the hall light on at all times.  I still keep the door closed but if I forget and shut the light off on my way to bed (which I do every single night) he starts screaming.  It reminds me that this child does not go to sleep.  He just lays in his bed for almost an hour every night.  Anyways...this new little routine makes me smile.  It also makes me think about my electric bill. 

5. My parents

Tonight my mom came over and we tried to sit down and create a new plan to financially be in a better place.  We never came up with a plan.  But we did get some good laughs in and make plans for change of my actual schedule.  I think that I will be going to day shift sooner rather than later.  Regardless, I have one of the BEST support systems around.  We are three very lucky people.  Thank you.

 He hikes his pants up (hilarious) and it will always remind me of my dad.  And then this 4T coat is obvious a tad too big but it still works!! His outfit this day was cracking me up and he was running away from me because he didn't want his picture taken. 

Weekends SUCK

1. The chili

We had a good night on Friday night.  We made chili.  The boys helped me mix all the ingredients and then we sat down and actually had something besides chicken fingers.  Dinner turned into a dance party...but what else would you expect out of team awesome?  Soooooo.....I added a picture of my chili this evening before work.  Yes...piled with crackers and cheese and then right below that is a picture of Owen's bowl on Friday night....piled with crackers and cheese.  We are like two peas in a pod.  (At least when it comes to our chili)

2. Beautiful weather
It has been another great fall.  The boys have been able to play outside a lot and we have had a lot of fun enjoying the crisp fall air.  NOT looking forward to big, heavy coats and the winter.  Yay for fall!!

3. My friends
Many times it is difficult for me to spend time with my friends over the weekend.  The past weekend Krista was in town and I had to cancel at the last minute because I was too tired to have a quick playdate, shower, pick up the house, and prepare for the next night at work.  I am still grateful that she calls when she is in town, that we are still able to pick up where we left off, and that I have friends who help keep our lives filled with joy!

4.  Potty training
Owen is done.  I think.  Yesterday he pooped into the potty standing up.  Yes, he turned around and propped his butt onto the toliet bowl and started pooping.  Hey...it made me laugh SOOOOO hard AND at least he is going in the potty and not in his pants.

5. My parents
Really....over the top helpful.  Over the top.  I could not survive life without them.  Extremly grateful and extremly blessed.

A few good things

A few great things that are happening around this house these days.

 

1. Thank you

The boys have usually been good with the use of the word, "Thank you."  This morning as I held the door open for them to enter Northeast, they both said, "Thank you Mom."  Like it was just so second nature.  It made me feel like I was doing something right.

 

2. Blue cheese chips

Trying to get back onto the wagon of cooking and preparing new meals....really....at this point almost anything is new.  I decided to make sweet potato chips (not new) and then I melted on some blue cheese.  Oh holy moly.  I have had them TWICE this week for meals.  And when you just eat chips for your meal....you think you can eat a LOT.

 

3. Top Chef

Enough said.  First episode is rolling right now as I type.

 

4. Cameron's Imagination

This little boy plays pretend ALL day.  He is usually some type of animal, monster, or dinosaur.  If he is playing dress up or is hiding his face he quickly takes off the mask and says, "Don't worry mommy, it's just me.  It's just pretend."  Some of the thing that this kid comes up with is HILARIOUS.

 

5. Friday

It has been a rough week.  The lack of sleep, potty training, and thought of another week with no partner or no break has been weighing on me.  I am not feeling sorry for myself anymore (sorry to vent earlier this week) but it has just been a little rough.  One of the pictures belows shows the bathroom overflowing.  Owen, being the helpful son that he is....tried to help by cleaning out one of the little potties (I think that is what he was doing). Well in the process he turned the water on, closed the sink drain, shut the bathroom door, and walked away.  A good few minutes later he said, "Mommy, there is water on the floor."  Yes.....lots of water....everywhere.  Within the hour he somehow put enough toilet paper in the toilet that it also flooded.  At least he is good at letting me know that water is coming out of the bathroom!!

 

 

My bathtime ritual. 

I need a nap

I know that only a handful of people read my blog.  Maybe two handfuls...because it is probably pretty two different groups of people.  I am going to be real right now.  I am probably going to offend someone.  I know that now you are interested, so you will keep reading....but trust me....some of you should stop. 

 

So here is the thing.  I have essentially been a single mom since the boys were 5 months old.  Greg will say that this is my own fault, I made that choice.  That this is something that I decided...that I made the choice.  In response I am usually silent.  I absolutely made the choice.  I decided to take a different path.  BUT I felt that my hand was dealt to me and the boys at the time.  I felt and feel that that there was not another safe, happy, or appropriate choice.  I have never said a bad word about Greg on this blog and I don't plan to today....or ever.  The boys love their dad...he loves them...and we have been able to work successfully as co parents to make a not ideal situation...work.  And for the most part, it works well.  I don't know...I guess just wanted to say that life gives us choice. 

 

Lately, in the past week or so I have started to get angry.  Or bitter.  Or something.  I can't place it.    It could be that I am purely exhausted from working, potty training, and taking care of my home (or trying).  It could be the feeling of loneliness, heartache, or confusion.  I don't know.  But regardless...a not so comfortable feeling has been sitting in my heart.

 

I feel dependent on others for the care of my children (frustrating). I feel solely responsible for their manners, behavior, and growth.  I feel EXTREMELY nervous and wonder if I am making the right decisions. Am I raising them to be good, strong men?  Will they notice that I am alone and succeed as President Obama did with his single mom....or will they carry resentment and anger?  How do I make them honest? How did that quality be grilled into me?  How do I ensure that they are friendly, that they are happy, that they are nice? How do I not snap when I am exhausted or how do I continue to find new activities that are developing their skills, keep them occupied, and still allow me to do a load of laundry?  How do I pay my bills?  If I can't pay my bills and feel comfortable right now...how will I do it in 6 months, in 2 years, in 18 years?  How will my children remember me?  I know that they feel so SOO much love and happiness right now.  But what will happen in the future?  Will we join lives with another man?  Other kids?  I don't know.  I don't know why all of this is on my mind. 

 

I don't know where this ramble is leading.  I just have a lot on my mind.  I guess what I want to say...I can't.  I am angry.  I am mad.  And I am sad.  It is hard to make decisions at times and to know that I am making the right ones.  I guess I just need to trust my gut and be smart. 

 

 

 

Bored

1. Swimming Lessons

The boys had their first swimming lesson this week.  They were the only boys in the class!!!  I am sure more people will show up next week BUT I was pretty excited for our first lesson...private lesson.

2. Tanya
I am so grateful for my friendship with Tanya.  I don't know what else to say.  I wish that she lived next door and I didn't have to get into my car to drive the 4 minutes to her house. 

3. Halloween
This was the best night that I have had in months....actually this could of been the best night that I have had in 2012.  It was so much fun to watch the boys run from house to house.  They were polite, excited, and had a blast.  It is such a change from our Halloween last year.  I think that the best is when Cameron would say, "Wait up for batman." So then Owen followed with, "Wait up for police man."  They continue to crack me up.  For a few houses Owen decided that he wanted to stay back with me.  Cameron went right up with the older kids...and LOVED it.  Yay for team awesome!

 4. Potty Training
An update.  I started...I offically started.  And this time I am not stopping.  Owen has caught on very quickly and I think that he is successfully trained.  Pooping is our next battle but he always makes it to the bathroom.  Cameron has been a little bit tougher.  He doesn't tell me when he has to go and if it has been too long since my last reminder....he has an accident.  Overall, I am pleasently surprised BUT it has been a task.  I am looking forward to the next few weeks where it becomes second nature.  OHHHHHH the things we take for granted.

5. Clean toilets
I cleaned my toilets tonight.  Much needed.  I have spent more time in my own bathroom staring at the toilet and in public bathrooms (yeah...gross) then I even thought possible.  Like I said....excited for the next stage of peeing alone, without a constant reminder. 

 I made "sand" this week.  Kept the boys very busy.  A bit messy but it was worth it.

My scholar....or my child who likes to stay up in his bed talking, singing, and playing with his books.