I need a nap

I know that only a handful of people read my blog.  Maybe two handfuls...because it is probably pretty two different groups of people.  I am going to be real right now.  I am probably going to offend someone.  I know that now you are interested, so you will keep reading....but trust me....some of you should stop. 

 

So here is the thing.  I have essentially been a single mom since the boys were 5 months old.  Greg will say that this is my own fault, I made that choice.  That this is something that I decided...that I made the choice.  In response I am usually silent.  I absolutely made the choice.  I decided to take a different path.  BUT I felt that my hand was dealt to me and the boys at the time.  I felt and feel that that there was not another safe, happy, or appropriate choice.  I have never said a bad word about Greg on this blog and I don't plan to today....or ever.  The boys love their dad...he loves them...and we have been able to work successfully as co parents to make a not ideal situation...work.  And for the most part, it works well.  I don't know...I guess just wanted to say that life gives us choice. 

 

Lately, in the past week or so I have started to get angry.  Or bitter.  Or something.  I can't place it.    It could be that I am purely exhausted from working, potty training, and taking care of my home (or trying).  It could be the feeling of loneliness, heartache, or confusion.  I don't know.  But regardless...a not so comfortable feeling has been sitting in my heart.

 

I feel dependent on others for the care of my children (frustrating). I feel solely responsible for their manners, behavior, and growth.  I feel EXTREMELY nervous and wonder if I am making the right decisions. Am I raising them to be good, strong men?  Will they notice that I am alone and succeed as President Obama did with his single mom....or will they carry resentment and anger?  How do I make them honest? How did that quality be grilled into me?  How do I ensure that they are friendly, that they are happy, that they are nice? How do I not snap when I am exhausted or how do I continue to find new activities that are developing their skills, keep them occupied, and still allow me to do a load of laundry?  How do I pay my bills?  If I can't pay my bills and feel comfortable right now...how will I do it in 6 months, in 2 years, in 18 years?  How will my children remember me?  I know that they feel so SOO much love and happiness right now.  But what will happen in the future?  Will we join lives with another man?  Other kids?  I don't know.  I don't know why all of this is on my mind. 

 

I don't know where this ramble is leading.  I just have a lot on my mind.  I guess what I want to say...I can't.  I am angry.  I am mad.  And I am sad.  It is hard to make decisions at times and to know that I am making the right ones.  I guess I just need to trust my gut and be smart.