One time around the sun

1. The back is COMPLETE!!

I am so mulched out!!!  Today I made three trips to Lowes and purchased 45 bags.  You don't even want to know how much we have spent on mulch this year.  It is a bit crazy.  But at the same time it is WONDERFUL.  So grateful that this is off my list.  Our backyard looks so much better.  

The next are a few random pictures but I wanted to make sure that they got into the mix and I don't feel like messing with the formatting.  Enjoy!

2. Caterpillars
Just like I was obsessed with our ant farm --I am obsessed with the caterpillars.  We have three that are all now in their cocoons.  It was amazing to watch them make their cocoons.  Now hopefully they all survive and we will watch them hatch.

To those of you out there in....capture caterpillars.  A.MAZ.ING.

3. One year around the sun
It has officially been one year since Erin passed away.  In order to honor her memory Mike and I purchased a lot of expensive fish and made some amazing meals.  We live right next a fist market that only gives you fresh fish and it was our first time trying it out.  It was pretty amazing.  Erin would be proud.

4.  Hot tea
I use to be a hot tea fanatic.  I am sure it has made the list a few times.  Tonight I pulled out some tea and just had a few sips.  Holy does it calm the soul.

5. The neighbors
This weekend Mike helped Luke build a shed ALL day on Sunday.  Then last night he went over and hung out and played corn-hole and threw the football.  I am grateful that we have neighbors in the exact stage of life that we are in ...but their baby is a bit smaller.

Smackers

1. Stay at home dad

Grateful that Mike is able to stay at home with boys are participate in their lives.  Today they had field day and they were so excited that Mike was going to help out.  He sent me these pictures so I could share in the fun while I sit here at work.  

2. Spin
I am trying to get used to the Y.  Yesterday I went to afternoon spin.  There were 3 other people in class, the lights were on, and the instructor was chit chatting away.  The music was not the best.  Regardless--it kicked my ass.  So grateful to be back on a bike.

The childcare is also not open all day.  It shuts down during the afternoon.  We got there 30 minutes early so the kids played in the maze while we waited.

3. Laughter
Last night Mike and I were both in Jack's room while we were changing him and he was laughing.  It was so sweet.  So glad that we were both able to enjoy the moment.

4. Smackers
Jack always makes a smacking noise with his mouth.  It makes me smile and I want to make sure it is something I never forget.  I will be driving and here him smacking away in the back. 

5. The weekend
"We have only one child this weekend and he can't talk!  Yay!!"

**that was the note that Mike left in my lunch today**

Looking forward to having nothing on the agenda.

MULCH

1. 5 am
It is almost 5 am.  Mike has not had much sleep tonight so I decided to take Jack into the living room so he could get some sleep before our 630 wakeup call.  Jack has been fussy enough to keep us awake but sleepy enough that he could still be in his crib.  I decided to just pull him into his swing, start some coffee and take some time for myself to regroup.  I still have power sheets to work on and I could always sit and read for 30 minutes before the craziness of the morning.

2. The backyard
Holy moly pac a ploy.  Yesterday we had another 7 yards of mulch delivered.  That means we have had 13 total yards delivered and STILL NEED MORE.  We are not getting anymore delivered and decided we are going to finish the rest with bags.  Yesterday I laid mulch from 12-630. My body is sore but I am SOOOOO happy that the backyard is finally starting to look like a backyard and not a shit show.

3. My parents
Yesterday around 3pm my parents came over and helped with the boys so Mike and I could put our efforts into the yard.  We were able to mow the neighbors yard and do our mulch.  We were also able to spend a few hours together being able to talk without kids around --- what??!!  It was great!

4. 3 Sisters Cafe
I have an obsession with brunch and Mike saw this gem on Diners Drive-Ins and Dives.  We decided to have a date to celebrate Mother's Day.   After a few weeks we finally had a moment without the kids and took time for just us.  (Thank you Melissa-- you are the BEST)  Even though I have lived in Indianapolis my whole life there are so many places I have never been.  It was beautiful out yesterday morning and it was great to get out of the house with my fabulous husband.

5. No training wheels
Cameron took the plunge.  We made him try.  And through tears and absolute fear he was able to ride by himself.  Mike worked with him on Monday while I was at work.  At one point he was holding Cameron's bike and running next to him while pushing Jack in the stroller.  He still needs lots of practice but hopefully his confidence keeps growing.  I am so proud of him.

The Race

The earth has made a full circle around the sun since Erin's accident last year.  This past week it has been hard to wrap my head around the fact that it has been a year.  I was also very anxious about the events that were coming up this weekend.  It has been tough.    

I am not really sure what to write and I have been dreading the post.    

My sister is missed.  Terribly.  I think what I miss the most is enjoying motherhood with her, laughing until my belly hurts, and the ease of which I could ask for advice.  I was so lucky to have her as a sister (though at times I did want to strangle her) and I look forward to seeing her again one day.

1. Friday Night 

So grateful for Tanya's help.  We were waking up at 530 for the walk on Saturday morning and were not planning on taking the boys.  Every family member I have w also doing the walk so no one could help sit.  After a great dinner with Pat, Michael, my parents and the boys I drove them over to Tanya's for a sleepover.  This was life saving and planned at the LAST minute.  After I got home we put Jack to bed and had a few drinks.  We got photo albums down from the attic to look at old pictures.  We talked, we cried, and then we had a dance party.  It was exactly what we needed to relieve a bit of stress for the upcoming weekend.  We went to bed at 2am and then back up at 5 to feed Jack and head to the race.  

This was a full double rainbow on Friday morning.  You can barely see the second one but it was there...trust me.

2. The Race

The first race as TEAM ERIN.  We finished LAST but it was great to all be together.  It rained in the morning but eventually the skies turned dry.  After the race we went to my mom's to have coffee and doughnuts.  I am so glad that we did this to celebrate Erin.  I look forward to doing it again next year. 

3. No more training wheels
It didn't take long and Owen was able to ride without training wheels.  He was so excited.  He really wanted Mike to see.  I am sure that we were a site -- I was running next to him holding my boobs because they hurt to run and he was screaming "MIIIIIKKKE" who was inside at the time to check on Jack.  I am proud of Owen and so excited that we are getting closer to going on family bike rides.

Cameron on the other hand wanted absolutely nothing to do with bike riding.  He was crying on the front step because he was scared.

4. Nicole
I am obsessed with Nicole.  She was in town this weekend.  It was insanely busy for us this weekend with Pat in town too but I was able to see Nicole for an hour or so.  This is NOT enough time.  I wish that we lived closer.  She is the best.

5. The backyard

On mother's day I tried to tackle some of the back overgrowth.  Within an hour I was defeated and put an ad on Craigslist.  Right now we are living of my part-time income so paying for labor was a bit hard BUT completely worth it.  The backyard is now completely cleared.  I have even been able to split a few plants and throw them back in the space.  This week we will be spending more money on mulch but then it will be COMPLETE.  So freaking excited!!  This is long overdue. And also, another New Year's Resolution is DONE.

Helmets

1. The Baseball Game

Last week we took the boys out of school early and headed to a game at Victory Field.  It was "school day" so there were lots of kids there but before the game was over they all left and we had the stadium to ourselves.  

 2. Mother's Day
This year Mother's Day was a hard one but Mike and the kids made it super special.  Last night when we were headed to bed and I was thanking Mike for the day I said, "I feel really refreshed and refocused.  This weekend was just what I needed."  He said, "Really?  I haven't heard you say that in awhile."

It's true--with three wild boys, feeling refreshed is not common.  I was able to putz around, drink coffee, spend time with family, and I received amazing homemade gifts from the boys.  I feel extremely lucky to be part of this tribe.  I feel overwhelmed with the love and laughter that fills our home.

 Our dining room table is filled with flowers.  It actually smells like a flower shop in our house.  

Owen made our dessert for our family lunch.  I cut the fruit but he put it all together.

3. Donating Blood
On Sunday before we went over the the Harris house I donated blood.  I have not been able to donate all year since I was pregnant but glad I finally was able to donate.  Erin went through over 50 units during the time that she was in the hospital.  They kept a cooler of blood in her room.  Looking forward to making blood donation part of the routine in my life.

4. Bike Accident
This morning on my way to work a man was struck while riding his bike.  I stopped my car and ran up to him hoping that I would not have to do CPR (yes--that was my real thought) and hoping that we was not actually dead and I was doing CPR ....I did not have to do CPR...

I just stayed, waited, and helped him calm down until the medics arrived.  It felt like an eternity.  Blood was everywhere.

When I got home the boys and I talked about the importance of wearing helmets and watching out for cars.  ....Cameron reminded me that they don't ride in the street so no cars will hit them.

5. Cry it Out
Yesterday Kara told us that we can let Jack cry for 15-20 minutes.  I tried tonight and gave myself the goal of 5 minutes.  I made it to 3 and a half.  I picked him up and he was immediately asleep in my arms.  That stinker.

The Promise

I am not going to post any pictures tonight.  I have so many things that I am grateful for that happened today but maybe they will get onto a post later in the week.  Right now I am going to take a minute and write how I am feeling.  Whenever I read back through my blog I always turn toward the posts that "let it all out."  There are a few times where I wrote so years later I could remember how I was actually feeling during that time in my life.  I want to do one of those posts tonight.

On May 1st of last year, my mom's surgeon, Dr. Goulet, brought us into the little room (like you see on TV) to tell us how the surgery went.  My mom's cancer was in her lymph nodes.  It was hard to concentrate on anything else he said after that.  Being an oncology nurse I knew the severity of this finding and I felt the life suck out of me at that moment.  Within the next week Dr. Goulet found me at work to update me that it was even worse than he anticipated that day and we would have a long journey ahead.  May 1st was life changing.  We all became a bit closer and cherished our days a bit more.  For mother's day last year we had lunch at my house while we laughed and laughed (as we always did together) and subconsciously braced ourselves for the journey ahead.

We didn't know that in a few short weeks our lives would actually, really change.  We didn't realize that the stage III cancer was going to become just something that was dealt with while we were dealing with the grief and devastation of loss.

...Here we are a year later.  A full year.  On May 1st I brought my mom flowers to celebrate her 1 year survival.  But it is bittersweet -- not that she has survived for a year-- that is sweet.  That is wonderful, but that it is May 1st.  That we have come full circle back to this month.  The month that changed our souls.

So where am I at today-- where is my head --

We have changed.  Our family has changed.  Most of the laughter is gone.  Most events are difficult to make it through.  Not because I am crying or sad but because they just are different, hard, exhausting, and feel like they are a required chore.  The relationship that I have with my mom has changed.  The relationship that I have with my female cousins has changed.  ...it has all changed.  Some of it good, some of it terrible.

Today, while we were in the sunshine at the baseball game I looked at Mike and said, I want to move to warmer weather.  I mean it.  I want to move.  I have absolutely no desire to be in Indy.  The only thing that keeps me here is Greg being in Chicago and a tugging of responsibility toward my parents. On the other side of that tug is the reality of the brief time that we are here on earth and making the absolute best of every. single. day.

I also want to say out loud that I am disappointed in myself this past year. When we were first able to see Erin after she rolled out of her first surgery I made a promise to her.  A bit of a back story... the first time we met with a doctor we were told that Erin had a hole in her aorta and it could burst at any minute and she could pass.  After we was done speaking I told him that we needed to see her immediately.  I have been around a LOT of people who have passed away and I needed all of us to say our goodbyes.  I knew, from experience,  that touching a warm hand was important.  I am sure the doctor thought that she could pass away any minute, so within the next 10 minutes we were allowed in her room (which is almost unheard of).  Erin had blood all over her body.  She was actively seizing.  As I was telling her it was ok to go, I also promised that we would take care of her babies.  Little did I know that at that moment a tiny baby was growing inside me as well.

The first few weeks we made good on our promise but as the weeks turned into months  and then with Mike on the road, it seemed that ballet and family dinners were the only link I had to Sawyer and Eloise.  I am embarrassed to say that they haven't been to our house since before the New Year.

.............So here we are.....May.  Back to the month of May.  I want it to be June.  I want it to be LAST May.  I want to have the courage to honor my sister as I intended 12 months ago.  I want to be able to get though these next few weeks in one piece.  I want to have the laughter back.  I want to be able to breathe without the intensity on my chest.  I want to take a trip to the beach.  ..............

Enough of the ramblings....on to the five quick, constant things that I am grateful for.

1. Mike
He has loved, encouraged, and let me be whatever I need to be during this time. I can't imagine how much I have changed and he has held my hand every step of the way.  Grateful. Grateful. Grateful.

2. Kleenex
Really?! holy moly you should see the pile around me as I type.

3. Vodka & Juice
Those who know me, know that the juice is actually watered down, generic crystal light.

4. Air conditioning
Yes, we suck and turned it on today.  I know, I know....I need to turn it off and suck it up.  I am spoiled.

5. My sister
I was able to call her and bitch, roll my eyes, or vent if I needed.  Grateful to have that person.

I know that it will be ok.  I look forward to getting my head around this life.  To figuring out a plan of honoring my promise to Erin and to myself.  

Checklist

1. Canal Days

Yesterday we started checking off our Summer Fun List.  After picking up the boys from school we dropped off a ruler downtown and then headed to the canal to ride a paddle boat.  After the ride we enjoyed ice cream and the boys rolled down hills.  It was a great afternoon. 



 

 **This is our list that I roughly did a few weeks ago.  The boys are excited to start checking things off**

 

2. Diaper Changes

Before Jack was born it was an ongoing joke about who would change his diapers.  Last night at dinner the boys were arguing about who could change his poopy diaper.  Once Cameron was half way though he could not stop laughing and was over it.  It was not as enjoyable as he anticipated. 

3. Well-behaved children
On Monday I forgot to post that the boys were extremely well-behaved this weekend on our trip to Columbus.  I was very impressed with these little men.  They were functioning on little sleep and instead of meltdowns they were on their best behavior.  It was refreshing and wonderful. 

4. A beer on the paddle boat
Yesterday as we were paddling away with a fussy 3 month old Mike was wishing we could dock our boat and grab a beer.  As the words were coming out of his mouth we spotted a group of guys walking with an open case of beer.  We yelled over to them and asked if we could buy one.  After paddling our boat over he gave it to us instead.

5. My husband
Could not imagine doing this journey of life without him.  He has been such a great partner.  He works so hard for our family.  I don't know how I got so lucky to have stumbled into him. 

**This picture does not show the doughnuts that were also here for breakfast this morning at work.  We will have to move all of this over for the lunch.  THIS is why I can barely fit into my scrubs.  SO SO good.  **

May 4th

1. The weekend

It was a whirlwind and it was wonderful.  Mike and I were both looking forward to a few chore-free hours.  It was nice to sit and have full blown family time without weeds, laundry, and extra responsibilities.  After the Tball game we drove to Columbus.  We were back in Indy within 24 hours but it was a great night with family.  Granny and the Moller family met all three boys and then the next morning we swam at the hotel pool.  I think that I might of eaten a pound of bacon in 24 hrs...but who doesn't love bacon.

 **Yes, this is how much we packed for one night.**

Cameron is an INSANE mover when he sleeps.  I snapped this picture right as he started to move again. 

2. First day back was SUCCESSFUL
Today was my first day back from maternity.  Having Mike home made my transition extremely smooth and successful.  He takes such great care of me.

3. Free Food
We had Scotty's for lunch today at work.  I am sure you can see the rolls in the background of some of these pictures --- yes --- the free food is BACK.  Tonight we had Mac-N-Cheese, grilled chicken, green peppers (those were from home), and fried pickles for dinner.  It was quick, easy, and cost $1 for the pepper!

4. Jack is 3 months
Our sweet baby Jack turned 3 months today.

These past three months have been somewhat of a blur.  If I had to describe Jack briefly I would say: He only cries if he is tired, hungry, or has a dirty diaper.  He loves to smile.  He can't hold his head up perfectly but is able to roll onto his back during tummy time.  He sleeps through the night but we start our night at 730 so he wakes up around 330 or 4.  He loves to suck on his hand and he prefers to be held.  He is our sweet baby Jack.

5. Owen changed a diaper
Owen is slowly falling in love with Jack.  Let me emphasize...slowly.  Owen has been honest in his reservation and apprehension about Jack being part of the family.  He has never been mean or had ill-will but instead just hesitation and the desire for our lives to go back to "normal."  As the weeks have turned into months he has started loving on his little brother.  Tonight he even asked to change Jack's diaper.  I am always impressed with his thoughtful, insightful soul.

6. Rulers
I had to add it.  I have a love/hate relationship with rulers.  Last year during this time Mike and I were thinking about starting a new business.  We worked with Erin on May 16th on creating a logo and website ...the next day she was in her accident and after she passed away, so did our small idea of extra income.  Last week we pulled out our left over stash and started to sell again.  We were not going to make anymore -- just get rid of the ones that we have.  Well, I over sold.  So now we have to make more.  This is EASY PEASY money.  It's not much...but it's easy.  And right now, with our family being supported on a part-time nursing career, money is always great to have in hand.

Long time, busy week

Oh my gosh it has been a crazy week.  This was the first week that Mike was home as a stay at home dad.  It was my last week of maternity.  We have LOTS of catching up to do...with each other, with baby Jack, and with our home.  We have been absolute beasts this week and tackled our TO-DO list every day.  Cheers to the weekend....but don't worry...it is just as busy.  We have baseball, a trip to Columbus, AND lots of meetings on Sunday evening.  

1. The boys are healthy

....At least healthy enough to go to school!  I have had a sick child home three of the five days this week.  I am all about alone time with the boys but to be honest I would rather have them at school during this last week of break and the only week home with Mike. Regardless --they are both in school right now.  I am putting the breathing treatments away.  I was able to get CHEAP prescriptions because of our lack of insurance.  Did I mention that they are at school?

2. T-ball started
I had started a post earlier this week but never did more than three words.....but baseball was on the top.  We have the first game under our belt.  There are about 8000 kids on the team, and I still had to go out and help coach, but it was still great.  Our next game is on Saturday and then we head straight to Columbus for the night.

 This is Owen's pink eye picture.  It was terrible.  Runny noses = snot in his eyes.  So so so gross.  eekkk

3. YMCA

We are now members of the YMCA.  I almost went back to Lifetime but after our YMCA tour and hearing the price for the month I signed up.  I went for my first time this morning and tomorrow Jack will go for his first time in childcare.  I still miss Lifetime but I feel that I will be loving the Y just as much.  I don't love the extra 7 minutes in the car but I can deal for the savings. 

4. ONE YEAR SURVIVAL

My mom is officially one year out.  Cheers!!!

5. Last Day OFF

Today is officially my last day on maternity leave.  I can't believe it.  To summarize it has been hard and stressful.  I have enjoyed so many cuddles with baby Jack which leaves not much time to get anything else done.  TOTALLY WORTH IT. 

Lots of coffee, not enough wine, and absolutely no working out (besides a handful of times--including this morning) 

 I will still be part time and Mike will be at home.  It will be interesting to see how we make this work. So in order to celebrate I am heading over to Tanya's to enjoy the afternoon with her, Shelby, and the two little ones.