I am not going to post any pictures tonight. I have so many things that I am grateful for that happened today but maybe they will get onto a post later in the week. Right now I am going to take a minute and write how I am feeling. Whenever I read back through my blog I always turn toward the posts that "let it all out." There are a few times where I wrote so years later I could remember how I was actually feeling during that time in my life. I want to do one of those posts tonight.
On May 1st of last year, my mom's surgeon, Dr. Goulet, brought us into the little room (like you see on TV) to tell us how the surgery went. My mom's cancer was in her lymph nodes. It was hard to concentrate on anything else he said after that. Being an oncology nurse I knew the severity of this finding and I felt the life suck out of me at that moment. Within the next week Dr. Goulet found me at work to update me that it was even worse than he anticipated that day and we would have a long journey ahead. May 1st was life changing. We all became a bit closer and cherished our days a bit more. For mother's day last year we had lunch at my house while we laughed and laughed (as we always did together) and subconsciously braced ourselves for the journey ahead.
We didn't know that in a few short weeks our lives would actually, really change. We didn't realize that the stage III cancer was going to become just something that was dealt with while we were dealing with the grief and devastation of loss.
...Here we are a year later. A full year. On May 1st I brought my mom flowers to celebrate her 1 year survival. But it is bittersweet -- not that she has survived for a year-- that is sweet. That is wonderful, but that it is May 1st. That we have come full circle back to this month. The month that changed our souls.
So where am I at today-- where is my head --
We have changed. Our family has changed. Most of the laughter is gone. Most events are difficult to make it through. Not because I am crying or sad but because they just are different, hard, exhausting, and feel like they are a required chore. The relationship that I have with my mom has changed. The relationship that I have with my female cousins has changed. ...it has all changed. Some of it good, some of it terrible.
Today, while we were in the sunshine at the baseball game I looked at Mike and said, I want to move to warmer weather. I mean it. I want to move. I have absolutely no desire to be in Indy. The only thing that keeps me here is Greg being in Chicago and a tugging of responsibility toward my parents. On the other side of that tug is the reality of the brief time that we are here on earth and making the absolute best of every. single. day.
I also want to say out loud that I am disappointed in myself this past year. When we were first able to see Erin after she rolled out of her first surgery I made a promise to her. A bit of a back story... the first time we met with a doctor we were told that Erin had a hole in her aorta and it could burst at any minute and she could pass. After we was done speaking I told him that we needed to see her immediately. I have been around a LOT of people who have passed away and I needed all of us to say our goodbyes. I knew, from experience, that touching a warm hand was important. I am sure the doctor thought that she could pass away any minute, so within the next 10 minutes we were allowed in her room (which is almost unheard of). Erin had blood all over her body. She was actively seizing. As I was telling her it was ok to go, I also promised that we would take care of her babies. Little did I know that at that moment a tiny baby was growing inside me as well.
The first few weeks we made good on our promise but as the weeks turned into months and then with Mike on the road, it seemed that ballet and family dinners were the only link I had to Sawyer and Eloise. I am embarrassed to say that they haven't been to our house since before the New Year.
.............So here we are.....May. Back to the month of May. I want it to be June. I want it to be LAST May. I want to have the courage to honor my sister as I intended 12 months ago. I want to be able to get though these next few weeks in one piece. I want to have the laughter back. I want to be able to breathe without the intensity on my chest. I want to take a trip to the beach. ..............
Enough of the ramblings....on to the five quick, constant things that I am grateful for.
1. Mike
He has loved, encouraged, and let me be whatever I need to be during this time. I can't imagine how much I have changed and he has held my hand every step of the way. Grateful. Grateful. Grateful.
2. Kleenex
Really?! holy moly you should see the pile around me as I type.
3. Vodka & Juice
Those who know me, know that the juice is actually watered down, generic crystal light.
4. Air conditioning
Yes, we suck and turned it on today. I know, I know....I need to turn it off and suck it up. I am spoiled.
5. My sister
I was able to call her and bitch, roll my eyes, or vent if I needed. Grateful to have that person.
I know that it will be ok. I look forward to getting my head around this life. To figuring out a plan of honoring my promise to Erin and to myself.
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