Morning 5

I wanted to write out a quick 5 before halloween celebrations tonight.  

1. The Wii tournament

After dinner the five of us started a Wii tournament.  Cameron won every single game!!  We played Wii sports and he dominated.  As his trophy, he won the skull decoration.  hahaha--yes, very classy.  It was great to all sit down, not worry about the dishes, and just spend time together.

 2. As the boys were getting into bed Mike noticed we had a package.  Grandma Pat sent the boys some new clothes including a new winter coat for Cameron.  Sadly, his coat never came home. Grateful for the new stuff.  The boys were pretty stoked too!

3. We finally sat down for dinner!!
Last night when we sat down for dinner Mike and I both commented that it had felt like a long time since we all sat and had dinner together.  So after some quick calculations we realized it had been a WEEK!!  It was nice to all sit and enjoy a great meal.  Mike made pork chops on the grill and it was accompanied with rice and salad.

4. Christmas Shopping

I have started our Christmas shopping for the relatives.  I try not to buy for the kids until closer to Christmas because they change their minds so frequently but some of the other homemade gifts are in the works!!

5. The old front room

Looking back now I think I survived the twins being toddlers because I had an entire front room dedicated to them.  It housed all of their toys and nothing else.  It was safe and worry free.  The rest of the house stayed clear of their mess (for the most part).  I don't have that for Jack.  As you can tell from the pictures I have a small, round gated area which from time to time he will tolerate.  The boys have toys in their room, some in the living room, and then art/crafts in another room.  They also do legos and games on the big round table.  So basically -- every room except the kitchen and my bedroom.  I am still currently trying to figure out this new set up with a toddler who crawls everywhere and does not like to sit.  

It is a bit gross

1. Date Night
At the last minute I decided that we needed to go on a date.  After I got home from work Mike and I headed to Bone Fish.  We had a gift card from CHRISTMAS.  It was so nice to order whatever we wanted, spend time talking to EACH OTHER, and spend a few moments reconnecting.  I am so grateful to have this man.  We talked about those first few months and how we went from best friends to husband and wife.  After we got home Owen asked me, "When are you going to pump?" ......



2. I AM NOT PUMPING
I told Owen I was done pumping.  His eyes got really big, he got a huge smile, gave me a big hug and said, "we need to celebrate!!" I gave it my best shot.  Rouzer supported me a million percent (especially bringing me water every time I sat down) and I am so excited to say that I am done.  I am officially done done and I am ready to get all of this pumping stuff out of our home.



3. A quick breast biopsy
......so along the same lines........ This #3 is about to get gross.  Shelby, my female, nurse, mom friend even thinks it is super gross.  So spare yourself and go to #4.  I am sure #4 will be fabulous.  Regardless, I need to write this out.

I have had a lump for a few months.  It was extremely bothersome.  For months I thought it was a clogged duct and/or related to breast feeding.  It never fully went away but at the same time my breasts were constantly changing as I continued to breast feed.

After we came back from OBX I started to wean and last week I completely stopped.  I had a few nights of full breasts but it was easy and a much easier time then 5 years ago with the boys.

Yesterday morning I started to wonder -- when will my boobs go back to normal?  My right breast was back but my left one still had this large mass.  I started asking around at work.  I work in an oncology office so I was hoping that these ladies would help squash my fears.  They didn't.  I soon realized that this was abnormal and I should have the lump checked out immediately.  By 230 I was getting an ultra sound.  The Dr (who is one of the BEST) said that everything looked good, the mass was very large, but he still wanted to get a biopsy.  I started sweating and freaking out.  WHAT???!!!!! I had not even told Mike I was getting an Ultrasound.  I know what a biopsy means AND this mass was LARGE.  LARGE.  excuse my language -- but FUCK.  All I kept thinking about is how Mike told me I needed to get it checked.

So I got the biopsy and instead of a benign tumor (like he anticipated) fluid came out of the incision.  It continued coming out all night and I saturated two dressings.  He decided not to send the biopsy and felt confident that I was ok.

This evening I still have a small lump but anticipate that it is blood/trauma.

Here is what I am grateful for:  On Wednesday morning I did not even think twice about this issue...as the day progressed I started to get worried.  I made one call and I was in an ultra sound within the hour.  All of my coworkers took over my patients and helped support my fears and anxiety.

I am so so SO lucky to work at CRCC.  So lucky.  Today at work I had new consult after new consult.  These people learned a few days ago that they have cancer.  It is an insane profession...... but me ... I was up, getting an ultrasound before I even talked to my husband.  Grateful.



4. The head flip
I have been wanting to document this special memory for awhile.  It is almost out of our lives.

When I feed Jack at night -- after he is finished eating from his bottle he pulls away, flips his head, and buries his head in my arms.  I love his little head flip.



5.  Cameron had a better day at school....maybe
Yesterday morning I noticed that Cameron had the wrong coat on!!! I asked his teacher to see if he accidentally traded with another student.  She couldn't find his coat and then took the coat that he was wearing and put it in lost and found.  Awesome.  Now he has no coat.  On top of that when she was emailing me to update on his coat and told me that he was being bad in school.  We have had a rough 24 hours.  Grateful that this little man keeps me on my toes.  Today he said he had a better day but he seemed unsure.

the long and short of it

1. Owen lost his first tooth

On Friday night Owen's tooth was EXTREMELY loose.  He was scared for us to help him lose it so instead we sent him to bed and hoped that he would not swallow it in his sleep.  At 530 Owen woke up and told me he had a tooth ache. I sent him back to bed.  At 545 Cameron came running into our room saying, "Mike!! Owen lost his tooth!!"  He ran back into bed as quickly as he ran out and so on Saturday morning we were all up before 6am.  

On Saturday night I was the tooth fairy and let me tell you -- it was frightening.  I was scared that he was going to wake up him up.  Not only that BUT I had to take $1 from Owen's wallet for his surprise.  Tooth fairy fail. 

2. Birthday Party
This year instead of a big party we allowed each boy to invite a friend to go to the movies.  After the movies the kids stayed at our house for pizza and cupcakes and we continued to play all afternoon.  Sawyer and Eloise also dropped by AND my parents made a quick visit.  It was a busy afternoon and great to see the kids with their friends from school.  It was also the first time I have taken the boys to the movies.  We had a blast.

3. Thank you notes are FINISHED
On Sunday morning the boys and I worked on all of their birthday thank you notes.  Glad that these are finished.

 

4. He is a big shot

Jack is standing.  This weekend he mastered pulling him self up and thought he was a hot shot -- he is.

5. Frozen Milk
We defrost 2 bags of milk a day to help with supplementing.  Some of these bags are from his first week of life and FULL of nutrients.  Grateful that I have this supply for him to use.

6. The neighbors
On Sunday afternoon we were outside with the neighbors and I went inside to start the oven for dinner.  I took Jack with me and noticed that a leaf was going down his mouth.  I wasn't able to get it out and he was starting to choke.  He was still breathing but going in between choking and breathing.  I tried to do the Heimlich on him but I knew that since the leaf was laying in the back of his throat that it was unlikely that it would work.  It didn't.  I was unable to pull the leaf out of his mouth.  I thought that maybe I could give him a bottle and he would swallow it down.  He didn't take the bottle and started choking again when I laid him flat.  I decided to run outside and ask Mandy.  She is a pediatric NP.  She was not able to grab the leaf either but eventually she could see him swallow it.  Mike ran and grabbed the bottle and he finally was able to drink.  It was a quick, brief scare even though I knew he was breathing.  Grateful that Mandy helped him AND helped calm me down.

7. Our house didn't burn down
Last night we had a LOT of smoke coming out of our oven.  We even had the boys go outside.  Our fire alarm is linked to our security system and me must of forgot to hit cancel because as we were standing outside I could hear the firetrucks.  They showed up.  We did use it as a practice with the twins on what to do when there is an ACTUAL fire.

This morning our house still smells like smoke but grateful that it was not an actual fire.

8. My mom is getting better!!!!
It has been a long week but my mom has finally turned a corner.  So so so grateful.  I hope that she continues to make progress.

Buckets

1. Hike in Hawaii

2. Compete in 29029

3. Walk the Great Wall of China

4. Play a legit round of golf

5. Do a pull-up

6. Live Debt-Free

7. Take a bike trip

8. Eat lobsters in Maine COMPLETED 

9. Order my own A5, Japanese Wagyu Meal COMPLETED

10. Complete my Masters COMPLETED

Birthdays

Six years!!!  Oh how our world has changed.  On October 22nd I always find myself celebrating my own strength.  Let's be for real for a second or two -- being a hard mom is HARD.  No one can explain to you how life changing, how difficult, and how emotionally changed you are once you have a little one with you in this world.  I remember crying when Cameron was little -- I just wanted him to smile.  I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and needed SOMETHING...ANYTHING...back from him. Now he is this super silly, always happy 6 year old.  Things have changed! There is so much that I am grateful for when it comes to these boys.  

Today for their birthday we started with morning presents.  Mike and I gave the boys a used Wii.  I am not sure how this will roll....but as I type Mike and I are playing Super Mario and I must say -- it is pretty fun.  After I sent the boys off on the bus I eventually met back up with them at school.  I volunteered in Cameron's class in the morning, the three of us had lunch in the courtyard, and then after lunch I hit up Owen's room for a few hours.  Ironically BOTH teachers were out sick.

Cameron's class was absolutely insane.  I felt like I was on Kindergarten Cop.  Owen's class was a bit more calm.  She actually had me put some books together and Owen ended up helping me figure it out.  Being at Forest Glen with them for the entire day was awesome.  Don't get me wrong, it was exhausting and these teachers need to get paid a LOT more...but it was awesome

After school the five of us went to look at new swing sets, had spaghetti for dinner and then went to our last soccer game.  Now the boys are in bed, the house needs a face lift and hopefully I will be in bed shortly.  It was a busy day and full of fun.

Grateful for these two rascals. Cheers to another year of health and happiness.  Celebrating all of the work this past year and buckling down for the year ahead.

 This is one of my favorite pictures of Cameron.  I showed it to him last night and he said, "I look like Jack!"  

 I have an obsession with this picture.  I love Cameron's sweet chubby cheeks. 

Oct 21

1. Pumpkins

Mike did pumpkins with the twins last night while Jack and I tackled ballet.  Cameron wanted to do a regular Jack-O-Lantern so he did the design and Mike carved it out.  On the right is Owen's hulk pumpkin. 

2. My mom is going to the doctor today
I am ready for my parents to get out of the house and for my mom to see a doctor.  This whole thing is extremely overwhelming and consuming.  This week between work, ballet, soccer, and birthdays this week I don't have much time to stop by.  I am sure my dad is over me calling every 2-3 hours.  ***And I know that when I can I am not getting the accurate update that I desire*** Anyways, glad for an update from someone else on this team -- not just my parents.

3. One pump a day
I am down to one pump in the morning. I was actually going to skip this morning but I had a clogged duct and didn't want to deal with the misery all day.

4.  Beautiful weather when I work at CHN
I work at CHN about once a week.  Every time I work the weather is beautiful.  I usually scarf down my lunch and walk around the the building.  It is nice to get fresh air and a moment to myself.

5. Coffee and Shower
It is 5 -something.  I am looking forward to my morning coffee and jumping into the shower to wash my hair.  Grateful that Mike is here to get this house moving.

Short and Sweet

1. Hallucinations can be funny

My mom took a sharp decline this weekend.  She fell at least 5 times, her abdomen was extremely swollen, and she was hallucinating.  I came over to visit on Sunday morning and I was afraid to leave.  I stayed all day and then we made frequent visits on Monday.  I am grateful that she is doing MUCH better.  (At least she was last night during my visit)  This surgery experience has been a wild ride of ups and downs and I am looking forward to it being completed and in our past.

And--when you can look past the terribleness and work of caregivers regarding hallucinations -- sometimes it can be hilarious.  On Sunday there were times that I was laughing so hard that I was actually crying.

2.  Parent - Teacher Conferences

Our conferences last night went SMOOTHLY.  I actually like the program again and I am excited that the boys have such a great opportunity.  I walked out of the building feeling extremely proud to be their mom.

3. Doug (The real person)
Last minute on Sunday we needed someone to watch the twins ALL DAY on Monday.  Doug stepped up to the plate and spent a full 8-5 day with them.  He took them to McDonalds (of course) and then exploring on an adventure in the woods.  I am so so so grateful for him.  He really pulled us out of a tight corner.

4. Saturday Night
After Maddie and Olivia's party on Saturday evening we moved the party to our house.  It was great to have people over and enjoy a few more drinks and snacks before going to bed.

5. My husband
It has been difficult the past week with my parents.  Mike has helped me cope, take care of the boys, and even cancel jobs so he can go and check in on them.  It has been rough and I am so grateful that I have him on my team.  He is the best.

Neighbors

1. I am sitting down. Watching TV. At 612pm. Friday night.

I don't think that you need much more of an explanation.  About 10 minutes ago Mike and Luke decided to have a drink so I had him take Jack with him.  I folded a load of laundry, started the taped episode of Grey's and I am in heaven.  

2. Slowing Down AND speeding up

Writing that out reminds me of a home video of the boys coming home from the gym. One child wanted me to drive slow, the other wanted me to drive fast.  They argued and cried all the way home.

But that is not what this is about .... the past few weeks I have felt stressed and overwhelmed with the state of our home.  It makes frequent appearances in the blog but the stress of keeping a clean, functioning household has been overwhelming to me for YEARS.  I got some advice on the situation and for a few years I have kept this strange anxiety at bay (for the most part).  Recently I have noticed that my old habits are creeping back up again.  I am still trying to adjust.  I do need to live in a clean, functional home BUT at the same time, I want all of my time (as much as possible) to go to  being present with the boys (which is exactly where I want to spend my time).  Anyways -- I just wanted to say -- I am grateful for the personal check to figure out that I need to be efficient with my time and still be grateful and spend those hours with my sweet boys.  **long winded I know -- thank you for letting me write this out**

3. Evening with friends

After I was done typing #2 Mike text me and said that Mandy and their boys were out and to come over.  I headed next door and we hung out for the next hour.  It was a perfect Friday night.  Since all the kids have a 715 bedtime we left around then and headed home for dinner and put Jack to bed.  We were making queso dip (yes--that is what we had for dinner on our last night without the twins).  And we finished a movie that we were watching earlier this week.

It is now 907 and I feel like I am going to hit a wall.  Hoping that I wake up without this damn chest cold and we have a fabulous day.

4. Birthday Presents

Yesterday evening Mike and I made a trip to Toys R Us after work.  We needed to get presents for Maddie, Olivia, Philip, and the twins (from my parents).  The boys turn 6 next week and we bought a used Wii to give them.  SOOOOOOO  --- the part I am grateful for --- we bought CHEAP gifts and the experience went smoothly.

5.  I let Jack cry
I am the first to admit that I am enabling Jack's sleep/wake schedule.  I think that the video monitor doesn't help....but it is still mostly my fault.  I am pleased to announce that last night I had a break through.  He started crying and usually (always) I would go in and hold him but not last night.  Last night I let him figure it out and he did GREAT.  The second time he woke up he was up sitting in his crib at 430 so I got him, fed him, and sent him back to bed.  Hopefully tonight goes just as smooth.

It's chilly out

 1. My mom is getting discharged
Here is a picture of the lovely dinner my mom had on Monday night.  She has been doing absolutely fabulous.  It is like she woke up her old self again.  Spending the night in the hospital reminded me that I don't miss it.  She had great care and I am really glad that she is headed home.

2. Laundry is DONE

Yesterday I did 4 loads of laundry and folded them after ballet.  Glad I was able to catch up on something.

3. Mike

I have a slight obsession with this man.  Grateful that he takes care of us.

4. This BLOG
I am so happy that I have been doing this for so many years.  I don't have a current book right now so before bed I find myself reading old memories.  I am grateful that I document the little things in life.  I don't usually proof read and I find MANY mistakes but it's just for my own soul later in life anyways.  So grateful for this diary.

5. I am rarely sick
It is rare that I get sick.  I have a chest cold right now that reminds me of the terribleness I had during the San Francisco marathon.  Three years ago it was significantly worse but regardless -- it makes me happy that overall I am pretty healthy.

Family

We are back at Community South and this time my mom is HAVING SURGERY.  This is a pretty intense surgery and will take her months to recover.  Not weeks--months.  I have been sitting here so far for 5 hours.  Hopefully things are going smoothly back in the OR.  

As usually we have been busy.  The boys started fall break this week so they are now at Greg's house.  The week with one child will be much appreciated since I will be spending many extra hours down here at CHS.

1. Camino 

On Friday the boys participated in their first school fundraiser.  Mike and I went that afternoon to walk with the boys.  It was interesting to see them with their friends and it was nice to finally put a face to some of the names.  I was also able to meet some of the other moms that I have been emailing with.  

Owen won second place for raising the most money in Kindergarten.  He was super excited and showed off his prize all weekend.

2. Lunch Date
After the walk Mike and I went and had a quick lunch date.  We hit up the newly renovated Ale Emporium and like always, it did not disappoint.  We have not taken time out to just be with each other in a few weeks.  It was so nice to sit with him and not have to worry about anything.  After lunch we got home and took a 10 minute nap before getting the boys off the bus.  It was a fabulous few hours on Friday.

3. Trip to Cleveland
I am grateful that we were able to jump in the car and make the SHORT trip to Cleveland.  We were headed there to celebrate UT's life.  Brian and Lauren came in from New York and Pat flew in to help watch the boys.  The trip was short and exhausting but still nice to check in with everyone.  Jack did not sleep well and on Sunday we had to leave early to make it back for the boys soccer game.  All three boys took naps in the car.  Grateful that we live close enough and that everyone was able to make the trip.

4. IG
One of my favorite parts of the day is getting tagged in instagram posts from Shelby.  We can be sitting at different desks at work and she will tag me in hilarious videos and pictures.  I usually tag her in the middle of the night when I am pumping.  Anyways, it is always a small highlight to the day.

5. Clean bathrooms

Back to my day on friday.....I FINALLY cleaned our bathrooms.  Holy moly my house has been gross.  We pick up every night but with 5 humans and a dog it just gets dirty.  Grateful that I will have clean bathrooms. PLUS....the boys are on fall break so the filth will stay away for a few days longer than normal.  Now THAT is a reason to be grateful.

Lego my Eggo

1. Time with Sawyer and Eloise

On Tuesday night I took Eloise to ballet and when I picked her up Sawyer was having a melt down.  I sat down and held him, sang to him, and rocked him.  It was so great to just sit and hold him.  It only lasted a few minutes but usually he is on the move and doesn't allow for me to get that much loving in.  Though it made me happy -- it also absolutely broke my spirit into a million parts.  It made me miss Erin so much and it made me miss Erin for him.  Those long hugs of a mother are so important.  I wish I could be there more for Sawyer.  I wish that I could hold him in those wee hours of the night that he needs her.  I am grateful for my long hugs this past Tuesday evening but I wish my sister was here to give him that nurturing every. single. day.

2. Hugs from MY kids
This week I laid in bed with Cameron for a few minutes on Monday night and then tonight I laid in bed with Owen.  We did some extra cuddling, talking, and singing.  With three crazy boys it is often hard to find alone time -- especially with the twins.  These few moments were special for each of us and I am grateful to sit and just enjoy the boys.

3. BIG HUGE smiles from baby Jack
When I pick up sweet baby Jack from Ambers he gives me the biggest, best smiles EVER.  It warms my heart and makes me so happy.  He starts crawling over to me and laughing and smiling the entire way.  I feel the exact same way when I see him!

4. Weaning from breast milk
When we were in OBX I almost lost my mind with pumping, washing, feeding --- the whole nine yards. I was running out of milk to give Jack so I had to add extra pumps.  It became miserable trying to juggle vacation and feeding our fussy baby who refused to sleep AND he seemed to be eat an unbelievable amount.  At home we have tons of frozen milk...on the road it was all me.  I decided that when we travel to NYC next month I will NOT be having the same, miserable experience.  The day we got back from OBX I started to wean and we started some formula.  Right now his bottles are half formula and half milk.  I am down to two pumps a day and I will probably do that for awhile.  Maybe even in NYC...who knows.  Regardless, I feel much better.  I feel like I have some much needed time back.  I am a bit sad I didn't make it a year but such is life.

5.  Sleeping through the night
I am grateful for the nights in the future and in the past that I slept or will be sleeping through the night.  Jack does not currently let that happen.  He wakes up 3-4 times a night!  What???!!!! If the child would take a pacifier I think that he would be able to go back to sleep.  But he doesn't.  And he will wake himself up if I don't go in and then be up for hours.  Right now I grab a bottle, give him a few sips, hold him for 5-10 minutes and put him back to bed.  I do love these peaceful moments with Jack BUT I will also love when he goes the entire night without needing assistance.  If he is anything like the twins...this will be a long few years......

6. Legos
We have about a gazillon legos but the boys are obsessed.  They go through phases but right now they are playing with them every night.  It is crazy to see what they can build in such a short amount of time.  I remember when they were little and HATED those big lego type blocks. HATED.  Grateful for the change.

Sunday Night

There is no rhyme or reason to the photos.  I have been on the verge of posting the past few days so tonight I decided to finally sit down and write some of my thoughts out.  

First things first -- my mom went through some more testing and all of her scans came back CLEAR. Holy hell that is such fabulous news.  It was a whirlwind of 72 hours with lots of different emotions but by the end of the week surgery was rescheduled and it was just a scare.  

I must say -- I work with the most amazing people.  Absolutely amazing. 

2. The boys are sleeping
These kids are FILLED with energy.  Jack only slept an HOUR today.  You read that correctly...my 8 month old only took an hour nap.  Tonight when I snapped pictures of the crazy positions that they were sleeping in (to show them in the morning) it reminded me of years ago when I would take pictures of them sleeping.  It would be the highlight of my day to have a small moment of peace and quiet.

Sadly, our nighttime routine has started to change.  It is rare that the boys ask me to sing songs.  And though we read at least three books a night -- I know that soon they will be reading the books to me and eventually they will be reading individually in their room.  It is absolutely insane how quickly time slips by.  My babies are turning into kids.  It is absolutely insane.

And Jack....at night when both boys are in bed he is up and laughing his head off.  It reminds me of someone being slap happy.  He thinks everything is hilarious.  He laughs with his "smoker" laugh and does it for 20 minutes straight.  It has been a blast to spend this time with him alone.  After all of his crazy laughing he falls quickly to sleep.  I am sure these days will also be fleeting but boy are those brief moments pretty awesome.

 3. Soccer
Here is a picture of the boys at soccer practice on Thursday night.  It was FREEZING.  And here is a quick story to help you get the jist of Cameron's personality.

On Saturday morning at 9am we pulled up to the YMCA.  Mike and I were going to work out and the boys were going to childcare.  As we pulled up and Cameron was getting out of the van he said, "Is it a game today?" I said, "what?" He said, "is it a game today?"  I said, "Cameron -- we are not at soccer -- we are at the gym."  He rolled his eyes, smiling, and said, "Oh -- I forgot."

He didn't have any soccer stuff on, we didn't mention soccer, he didn't have his soccer ball ------ he is a space cadet.

4. Keeping up on the house
I am grateful that sometimes we keep up on the house.  Sometimes.

Here is a picture of the sink from this week.  Clearly we have cup issues.  We have plenty more issues than cup issues -- but that is one of them.  And right now as I type I have two cups of water on my bedside and my water bottle from my morning workout.

5. Veda kissed Owen

I am not sure how much of the kindergarten drama we will remember in our old age but here is the latest. ...Veda LOVES Cameron.  She is always trying to kiss him and though Cameron really likes Veda he is not into the kissing.  (I think) 

Owen on the other hand LOVES Veda.  He wants to swoop in and steal the girl.  He won't admit it (not that we have asked) but at the same time he is very protective and loves his brother.  It's like he knows the code.  

Regardless, yesterday we went to a cookout and when we were leaving, Veda kissed Owen on the cheek.  Mike and I saw the whole thing.  He lit up and got a HUGE smile on his face.  HUGE.  She noticed it as well and then went in for a kiss on the lips.  Mike and I put a stop to that and Owen immediately said, "Not in front of my parents."   Whooooaooaaa ....... WHAT!??? 

He hasn't talked about it much since last night.  But he was on cloud 9.  And though this is all way way way way way too early -- I am pretty excited I got to see it go down.

6. Working out with Mike
I am still struggling to find a routine and discipline to my workouts.  I am so grateful that Mike is fully on board and helps push and encourage me.  This morning I woke up a bit crabby so I made sure to get my workout done first thing.  Mike helped me get my bike set and sent me on my way.  I had to come back for a quick repair and more clothes (since it was absolutely freezing) and he sent me back out again.

I am still fearful of my bike and being safe on the road, but I feel like the solo ride this morning was just another stepping stone.  Grateful that Mike has some expertise in this area to help get me moving along.