The struggle

My purpose tonight is to be a little bit more open and a little bit more revealing.  I easily write 5 things a day that make me happy but I struggle to post my inner most struggles.  Don't get too excited -- most of those will never be written down for fear of vulnerability BUT there is something that has been laying heavy in our household this week.

It's the struggle.  It's common knowledge between Mike and I that I have some serious hormones.  The good part is that we are both aware and we both adjust pretty quickly.  ....I just realized....for most readers this will be TOO MUCH INFORMATION.  Just pass this post up now and don't be all worked up at the end if you dismiss the warning and keep reading.

Anyways, my hormones are serious.  A few days a month I get really intense.  Really intense.  I feel it in my blood.  Many times (usually) my husband figures it out before I can even notice that it is working up in my system.  After a solid 48 hours I will start my period and IMMEDIATELY return to normal.  (sorry--I told you it was too much).  Regardless -- it's the truth.

So this past.........month.......it has been a struggle.  I have felt intense.  It's a feeling that I have in my blood BUT nothing is happening so I can't place a trigger.  I can't figure out how to resolve it.  I don't know why I feel the way that I feel.  Trust me -- I search.  I pick apart my job, my free time, my relationships.  And yes, there are things that I would like to change....I miss Erin, I spend too much time dicking around on Facebook, and though my job is ultra rewarding I am SO. FREAKING. BORED. I have thought about it and thought about it. To be perfectly honest, the grass right now is pretty freaking green.  It's pretty green and I was still in a funk.  It's a struggle.  And though it's a first world struggle -- it was still a rough few days for my intensity. ....or more than a few days.

As I was saying -- I picked at my life. I tried to investigate and get to every angle.  I think that a few simple things are missing.  In no particular order -- I need to work out. Shelby told me at LEAST 5 times today that I need to move, workout, and essentially stop being lazy.  She tried to help me think of a goal.............. ugh.  No desire.

I needed to document this because in the past few years I have GROWN.  I think that it is safe to say that even three or four years ago I was in denial that I even had hormones.  I would say, "I am who I am."  And though that is true -- now I can recognize (usually with help) when I am feeling intense.  Mike and I have created a system of safety where he gently calls me out...I agree...and then I try to keep my mouth shut for 48 hours.  Four years ago I am sure I would just cause havoc and terror and then be unapologetic and not understanding that I was actually being bat shit crazy.

Here I am -- February 2016 -- and I was intense for a month.  Or at least it felt like a month. And it was hard on my soul.  I am sure it was hard on Mike's soul.  To be honest...I still can't place or pinpoint.  I still can't touch the emptiness -- the part that is missing.  I am still trying to figure it out.

So on that note-- let's begin.  First -- thank you to my husband.  He steps up when needed and steps back when I need to work things out for myself.  He is there to guide or there to walk beside.  He has let me grow, helped me to figure things out for myself AND also pushed me into the directions that I need.  Grateful for Rouzer.

Here we go......

1. Geniuses
This week both kids were asked to join the academically talented school in the district. I am not going to lie this made me SUPER proud and SUPER happy.  I know I know... I should celebrate other things like my kids being happy and whatnot BUT this makes me happy and I want to tell someone so I need to write it out.  Though they will not be leaving Forest Glen to go to the school I am still pretty proud that they BOTH got asked.  (And yes-- I know that they are not actually geniuses...but they are my kids and I think that they are)

2.  Growlers
Tonight Mike picked up two growlers from Sunking.  Yum.  They are both gone.  We had family game night that continued once the boys were in bed.  If my post doesn't make any sense please blame it on the beer.

3. Family Game Night
I won.

4. Toilet paper
Twice today I ran out of toilet paper in the bathroom.  (Two different bathrooms)  Clearly I need to stock all rooms.  Grateful that I was able to figure it out quickly without a major accident on my hands.

5.  Tomorrow
I am looking forward to tomorrow. I am going to breakfast with Ashley in the morning and then Mike and I have a date in the evening which includes a comedy club.