Race Day

1. The Geist Half/5K/10K is over

This week is a heavy one on my soul.  I hope that it gets easier with time but to be honest, this year, the weight of it all seemed to crush heavier than last.  It has been difficult.  If I had a free moment in the past week I would find myself with tears flowing down my face.  Even the times without a free moment I would just start to cry.  There was even a point that I thought that maybe next year I should not do the race and instead bury my head in the sand.  Once the morning came and 7am rolled around....the air became a bit easier to breathe.  I was able to concentrate on walking with Cameron AND celebrate Erin and honor her life.  It's difficult but the reward and the feeling that she is there with us makes it all worth it in the end.  So.....needless to say...I am glad it is over but I am looking forward to celebrating her again next year.

2. Moment of Silence/balloon release/memory mile
This year I worked with the Geist Half to make sure that we did something to honor Erin and celebrate her life.  They were unbelievable to work with.  I am so grateful that they stepped up to the plate and helped us.  A.MAZ.ING.

3. The actual walk/run
This year we decided that the boys should start attending the event.  We also thought that Owen would enjoy the competition of running the 5K so Mike decided that the two of them could do their first 5K together.

Let me just say this -- Owen is INSANE.  He killed it.  He ran it is 35 minutes and only walked because Mike made him.  I am super super impressed and I keep telling everyone.

Cameron on the other hand made it extremely clear before the race that he had NO interest in running AND to be honest he really didn't even want to walk.  We started out a bit slow but eventually we even started running.  It didn't last long but we had a good couple of stretches of run/walk.  Not only that ....he didn't complain once.  Not once.  Our feet and socks were soaked because of the morning rain and even I was uncomfortable.  Cameron skipped/walked/jogged....and had a ton of fun.  It was awesome.  To say that I was a proud parent of these two is an understatement.  I was beaming all day long.  Thank you Erin for the divine intervention.

4. The friends
I can not stress enough how grateful I am to have my friends support me during this time....and really...all the time.  But this week some of them went above and beyond.  One thing that I have learned from this whole ordeal is to show up and be there for people.  That is hands down what means the most.  And though I am constantly working on this in my own life, I have people in my circle who consistently "show up" and support and love me.  It is an absolute gift and I am forever grateful.  Thank you for showing up for me and for helping me when I can't seem to muster the energy.  

5. The rest of the day
So we woke up to morning showers on Saturday morning but the day ended up beautiful.  After the race the twins and I made a quick stop at my mom & dad's house for an after party.  Jack fell asleep in the car so Mike went back to our place so he could nap.  We had an 11am Tball game so we headed over to the fields.  (They have a really hot coach...so it is always fun to watch) After the game the boys headed with Greg for the day which Mike and I took Jack to lunch.  He fell asleep AGAIN in the car but this time he was out cold.  He slept through our entire lunch...in our arms.  He has never done that...even as a baby.  After a short 30 minute nap for the adults we hit up SAMs club and then I went to Kroger.  When the boys got home around 8 they went straight to bed.  Mike & I had brie and apples for dinner while watching our new "show," Departures, on Netflix.  It was a really great day.  It was busy but it all worked out well.  I know I have said this before but I need to say it again, I am so proud to be part of this family.  These four boys are the absolute best.

Cheers to a great day celebrating my best friend.  I miss being able to do life with her.  Looking forward to seeing her again soon. 

One last note to finish off my Race Day recap..........I snapped this picture of Owen when he got home from hanging out with Greg.  Holy moly look at all those holes....and almost every pair of jeans as holes.  It makes me happy that summer is almost, almost here but goodness I need to clean out their clothes.

holy 4am

1. A morning with Jack
I made a mistake this morning....or maybe it wasn't a mistake....who knows....  I got up at 4am for my workout.  I have skipped the past two mornings and this morning, though I was tired, I was actually ready to get back to the morning grind.  Here is the problem....I wanted to peek in on Jack.  I just felt that I needed to check on him.  I knew it was a risk but I figured at the worst, he would pop is head up -- and then right back down.  Well the last 2 days of skipped workouts should of reminded me that he is stirring for the last hour or so of sleep SOOOO if he pops his head up....he will be up.  For the next 45 minutes I held and rocked him.  He had no interest in falling back asleep and now we are up watching some TV and he is enjoying another bottle.  I am sitting in my workout clothes and decided to start a pot of coffee.  I must admit -- morning snuggles are significantly better than pushups.

2. Indulgences
For the past few days I have indulged in a lot of my favorite things.  On Tuesday for lunch I had pizza and shared a bottle of Prosecco with Kara.  Then I had candy (yes--a bowl of candy) for dinner and washed it down with two beers.  I had peanut butter on a spoon last night covered in chocolate chips.  Obviously I NEEDED this morning in the gym......  But sometimes you need to take a break and just take the time out to do something you enjoy.  Clearly for me that is eating.

3. Jack only wants his mom
So I am not grateful for this exact thing...but it is something that I needed to write down.  Recently Jack has been giving Mike a hard time.  If I am holding Jack he wants nothing to do with Mike.  Nothing.  He won't give him a kiss, or a smile, or much or anything except a squeal of irritation.  Then he buries his head into my neck.  It makes me giggle and it makes Mike frown.  Jack was such a Daddy's boy that this is a huge change.  He didn't even say Mama for the longest time.

4.  Eggs
Has this made the list yet?  Sorry if it is a repeat....but our family LOVES the eggs that we get from the Abels.  They raise chickens and we get our weekly eggs from them.  They are absolutely amazing.  I wish everyone could try these eggs. I hope that we never have to go back to store bought eggs.  They are not the same...not even close.

5. It's just me and Jack up
Jack has turned the corner and now is body is needing the extra sleep.  He is starting to melt back down since his dumb ass mom woke him up at 4am FOR NO REASON.  I am glad that it is just the two of us up right now so I still have a few more minutes to give him the attention that he needs.

May 17th

It's not often that I play the events over again in my mind from two years ago.  If I do -- I always replay Saturday morning.  The day of Erin's accident.

That morning our house woke up as normal  (really early).  Mike was headed out for a long bike ride -- like 70 miles or something and was literally heading out the door when my mom called.  She called our land line and I immediately handed the phone to Owen to say good morning.  They small talked for a minute or two and then she asked to talk to me.  

Calmly, my mom said, "Erin got hit by a bus.  It's on the news."  She was so calm and this was so far out in left field I was extremely confused.  This was essentially all I was getting from my mom AND I didn't have the news.  We didn't have cable and we never hooked an antenna and so I was not just able to flip on the news.  After pulling more information out I realized the police went to pick up Jess -- my dad went to babysit Sawyer and Eloise -- and my mom was calling us.  Erin was actually physically hit by a bus.

Immediately I started making 8am calls to find babysitters.  Mike went to pick up my mom and head to the hospital.  I ended up dropping the boys with Pam and Shelby and Mel went to watch Sawyer and Eloise. 

To say that it was surreal is an understatement.  It is such a clear moment when life switched and things changed.  It happened so quickly and so unexpected.  It is that moment that keeps me in constant brace for the next.

I drove to the hospital after dropping off the boys expecting to hear my sister was dead.  My mom, Mike, and Jess were already there waiting in a small waiting room with two police officers and a chaplain.  My sister was in surgery.  I don't remember when my dad came -- but I know that it was shortly after I showed up.  

I started making the calls.  I called all the friends and family to let them know about the accident.  I specifically remember pacing in the hallway giving myself pep talks before dialing.  Telling myself, "strength, strength" over and over before hitting send.  I was telling people about the accident, surgery, and that Erin probably won't make it.  I just remember all the silence on the phone.  No one knows what to say.  The silence is so loud because there is nothing you can say... just heartbreaking and leaves the soul speechless.

After Erin got out of surgery we saw her wheel past us off the elevators while the trauma doctor came in and talked to our family.  I am not sure how long we waited while she was in surgery -- but my guess is a few hours.  The doctor told us the main concern right now is that Erin had a tear in/around/near her aorta.  (This would change later in the week...so my this exact detail could be wrong)  She had some type of damage that could cause her aorta to burst and bleed out at any second.  It could happen now, it could happen in few days -- there is no way to know.  Once that happened -- she would bleed out and die almost instantly.  They had to stop the surgery to let her body heal and if she was strong enough they would continue the surgery later.  

Because of my background in nursing and around dying patients I asked that we see Erin immediately.  He had already told us it would be about an hour before the nurses had her settled but with time now our enemy I knew how important it was to get to her side.  We were at her bedside within minutes.  For hours we were able to say our goodbyes.  The nurses actually set up chairs outside her room so if they were working on her, we were able to sit in the hallway at the door.  

Erin was covered in blood.  It was caked in her hair, her ear and all on the side of her face.  There was blood all over the sheets.  She was actively seizing and her abdomen was swelling from bleeding internally.  It was a mess.  It was an absolute mess.  All I could do was hold her hand, promise her I would make sure her babies would remember her, and tell her that I loved her.   

The thing that I don't remember from that week is how the minutes turned to hours and the days turned into nights.  I remember switching rooms, waiting for test results, meeting nurses.....I remember the blur of people coming for support and heaviness that developed around our family.  My mom just had her mastectomy a few weeks earlier so I remember emptying her drains in the public bathroom and Dr. A calling with her PET scan results.  I remember Jess telling me the kids were headed to Memphis and just absolutely falling apart.  

One of my most comforting times in the hospital was the early morning hours with Erin and Aunt Pam.  I stayed with Erin during the night so I was able to escape the reality of the day.  I didn't have to make small talk with everyone in the waiting room AND I was able to spend so much time with Erin.  She wasn't at tests or a slew of doctors were not in and out of her room.  It was just the two of us.  It gave me lots of time to sit, think, breathe and cope.  On Wednesday and Thursday my Aunt would come over early in the morning before she went to work for a few hours.  We shared coffee, we cried, and we were just able to be together in the stillness of the dawn.  By the time my aunt got there those mornings...I absolutely needed her to come and share some of the heaviness and pull my chin up. 

I also need to add that my husband was next to my side the whole week.  Though I can't physically picture him with me for every memory -- he silently and gracefully stood strong and held me up.  I can not express how sturdy he was so that I could hold on for support.  It felt as though I was drowning slowly and he was able to help keep my head above water so I could breathe.  He isn't in these memories because he was always there....right there....making sure that I was still eating, sleeping, breathing and staying alive.  He was the perfect partner. 

The box of kleenex sitting next to me is almost empty and I can hear Jack stirring in his bed.  May 17th has not come any easier this year.

the weekend

 1. Pops and Nonnie
We have not seen Rick and Connie since OBX.  Holy moly it was nice to catch up.  Connie reminds me of my grandma Joyce and we can just sit and talk for hours.  The boys love playing with them and we always have great meals when we are all together.  They came in on Saturday morning for our 11am game and planned to spend the night.  It was FREEZING so Connie and I ran to Starbucks after dropping the boys off at the field.  They quickly realized that the game started at 1.  Clearly -- Mike and I have our shit together.  We picked the boys up and all headed back home for lunch.  Then we went back to the fields and froze our butts off.  Owen got the game ball with a great hit that he "nailed." 

On Saturday night we just hung out at the house, had dance parties and built Legos.  In the morning we did a quick trip to Café Patachou and enjoyed amazing omelets and cinnamon toast.  Looking forward to seeing them in six weeks.  

2. Slumber parties and bike rides
My parents took the twins over night on Friday since they have been begging for MONTHS to stay at their house.  Earlier in the week Melissa agreed to watch Jack for us for a few hours after work.  It ended up being beautiful out so Mike and I decided to go on a bike ride.  We rode into the Fort and explored a bit.  Then we headed to Bier Brewery and played games and enjoyed some beer.  On the ride home Mike got a flat tire which quickly ended the fun but at least we were close to home!  It was so nice to be on our bikes again and spend some time with each other.  Grateful for all of the baby sitters!!

3. Clean Van
On Sunday afternoon Owen helped me clean out the van.  This was MUCH needed and long over due.  It's not perfect but at least it is a little bit better. 

Yes--I still let them dress themselves.

4. Dance parties
This weekend Jack really started hitting the dance floor.  Kitchen dance parties are one of my absolute favorite things.  Kids, alone, or with my man....they are the best.  I love that Jack is joining in the fun and that we can all boogie down together.


5.  Cameron is GROWING
I think that Cameron is in a major growth spurt right now.  Sadly. 


He has been asking to go to bed at night, sleeping in every morning, and putting back TONS of food.  He seems sleepy a lot.  Usually I can tell by his double vision or he just puts his head down on the table to rest.  He is already so tall and such a bean pole -- I think that in a few short years he will be taller than me!!

Meat packaging

I am not even sure where to begin.  As I wrote last week...the past few days have been insanely busy. Insane.  We barely made it through and we did it just barely.  Here are some pictures to prove it actually all happened and we survived.

He insists on eating with a fork and clearly he did not want his cinnamon roll cut up.  **Don't judge -- we give our one year old cinnamon rolls on Saturday.**

This week is teacher/staff member appreciation week.  We have been making the boys do cards for everyone.  This one is for the custodian.  All of those stars represent the shine on the desk, chairs, and doors.  These are the little things that happen EVERY day, multiple times a day, that make my heart melt.

1.  We survived
As I mentioned earlier -- this is sort of a big deal.  It was long and exhausting.  I even skipped my morning workout yesterday (Monday) to recover and catch up on sleep from the weekend. .....Jack woke up at 511 yesterday so I ended up missing out on the sleep anyways!  Regardless, we made it and we are all in one piece.

2. The house
I am so grateful that we have a home.  It is perfect for what we need (yes....Rouzer...I know a basement would be more perfect).  I feel like we are constantly updating, fixing, cleaning...doing something to the house.  It becomes overwhelming.  Even though it takes tons and tons of work it is still pretty wonderful to have a home and a safe place to lay your head.

3.  BIRTHDAY DATE
This morning we finally made it to the float tanks.  During our birthday month instead of buying things that we don't need -- we decided to do new experiences together.  Mike has been wanting to try float tanks for a long time so that was our experience for this year.  We found a Groupon that was for a place literally a block away from our home.  The only problem was that they only had one tank.  It actually worked out well.  I went this morning while Mike did a few hours of work and then when I left he was sitting, waiting for his appointment.  Grateful that he finds new experiences that I would NEVER even think to try.  He should be coming back from his appointment soon and then we will head out for lunch at Harry & Izzys.

4.  Mother's Day
I am so lucky that I have three littles that call me mom.  So. FREAKING. lucky.  It is the absolute hardest thing that I will ever do in my life.  I can't even begin to imagine what the road looks like ahead for these three boys.  And I am excited that I am on this road with them.

That being said -- I also need to mention my mom.  It has been a rough two years for JoJo.  It's been rough.  She has always been a strong woman but these days have absolutely shaken her to her core.  The dynamic of our lives have changed.  Dramatically.  And I have been lucky enough to be close and I have been given more insight into her being.  And though I have stood by her side, I am sure that my mother would say at times I have tested her strength even more.

Growing up my mother was the symbol of strength, courage, endurance.  She slept little, worked hard, and seemed to have all of her shit together.  (Maybe that is what my kids think too -- doubtful)  As I grew up and had my own little ones running around and tried to pull off this motherhood thing with grace  --she helped me figure it out.  I think that my favorite thing would be laughing until we cried and until our belly would hurts.  My super hero mother is still here.  She saves our ass ALL. THE. TIME. all the time.....I can't write that out enough...ALL THE TIME.  But recently she has also taught me the human side of grief and of healing.  She has challenged me to rise to the occasion, forced me to pull my head out of the sand, and taught me that mental strength is something not to be taken lightly.

So...after all the words...I just need to say that I am grateful to be in the motherhood club and grateful that I still have the privilege of having my mom by my side.

5.  The meat
After I typed out #4 Mike showed up and we went to Harry and Izzys.  After a wonderful lunch with Rouzer I jumped into the car and headed North to a meat packaging facility near Fort Wayne.  About a month ago we purchased a quarter of a cow and I needed to go pick it up.  It was a super easy drive and now we have a freezer full of meat.  It is 200 hanging pounds of meat and we paid 3.30 a lb.  Clearly this was my first time doing anything like this so it has been a learning process FOR SURE.  It will be interesting to see how quickly we go through all of this meat.

6. Bike ride with Mandi
This evening I took Jack on a quick run to enjoy the beautiful night and I decided that Mandi and I needed to do the Go Girl triathlon together.  I was already planning on doing the event but I know that Mandi loves these things too.  To my surprise,  after we put the kids down, Mike pulled down both of my bikes and we were off!  It was nice to be back on my bike AND it was not as scary as I thought that it would be.

Partying

1. My Mother's Day gift

It is rare that I am actually surprised by a gift but this week Mike pulled it off.  My ring needed fixed so he used that as a decoy and all three boys went and purchased a new tree!  Yesterday I found the photo of my Mother's Day tree from two years ago -- goodness how things have changed.  This week Mike planted it and I am in love.  So grateful for these three young boys who have made me a MOM and grateful for my husband who helps celebrate.  Clearly...he knows the way to my heart.  **Oh and thank you Mike for moving the tree a few times until I found the perfect spot**

2. Grocery Stores
We live in an area that has a grocery store on every corner.  Within a 5 mile radius we have at least 9 or 10 FULL size grocery stores.  That is insane & wonderful ...especially for our family.  This morning Mike and I were talking about how much food our family eats on a daily basis.  This morning we used 6 slices of bread for the boys lunch (now they eat one and a half sandwiches) and then we consumed NINE eggs.  Yup, we ate nine eggs this morning.  Lots and lots of food.

3. The bus stop

Mike and I both enjoy taking the kids to the bus.  I am not sure what the three of them do while waiting in the morning but usually the kids and I have races.  ....well to be specific....Owen and I race -- Cameron usually acts silly or video tapes.  Either way -- I think that we all enjoy the morning bus stop.  It gives us a few minutes of doing NOTHING together. 

3. Nash
This little dude does not get enough shout outs on the blog.  He is such a wonderful part of our family.  In the picture below I was actually trying to snap his photo...this was the best that I could get. He loves walks, loves eating the food Jack drops on the ground, and he loves sleeping in Owen's bed.  We love Nash and are grateful for him in our family.

4. Strength

I have been working out and I can finally start to see my work pay off.  It is nice to feel better at the gym. I am able to lift more, do planks for longer, and run a tad bit faster.  I also want to note that I LOVE the peacefulness of the gym at 430 in the morning.  There are only a handful of us there but usually it is the same crowd every morning.  Grateful to see the progress.

5. My husband helps me conquer life

It is busy and full in our house.  And though I love it -- it is still busy and full.  This weekend we have three birthday parties, a slumber party, a party at our house, and a going away party.  We also have t-ball, Mother's Day, and the normal "catch up" of the weekend.  We looked at each other this morning after all the boys went to their appropriate places and decided to go back to sleep for 30 minutes before we started the day. 

Grateful for him and that he can do all of this crazy partying with me.