THE HOUSE

**I have started and stopped this post more than once.  It's been a tough one.**

1. 6127 

I am so grateful for the 30 years that our family called this place HOME.  The memories of laughter,  family dinners, Saturday morning chores with music and learning to play Nintendo (since my sister passed her multiplication tables) are etched into  my mind.  It's literally like the walls would talk when I was in there these past few months.  

My heart literally felt torn apart as I drove away for my last time Wednesday morning.  It was harder than I ever imagined.  These four walls brought me moments of peace and comfort for years and years.  Even after Erin passed away five years ago, I would be able to come home and breathe a little bit easier as I shared the grief with my parents.  The past few months I have spent so many hours there going through memories and though I am filled past the brim with grief - I am also filled with gratitude.  My parents built a life of safety, love, and happiness.  They worked insanely hard.  They taught us sacrifice and the ability to have fun with a deck of cards.  

These past few years I have learned over and over that THINGS are THINGS.  They don't matter.  Not at all.  It has been harder than I realized to say goodbye to 6127.  I have continued to remind myself that the house is just four walls.  Quickly I realized that I am not saying goodbye to the house.  I am saying goodbye to the feeling of safety, unconditional love, warmth, happiness, and security that it provided. And once I realized that - it was game over.  

Thankfully, Rouzer and I work to build those same memories with our family.  Having our house be filled with chatter, laughter, and togetherness. A place that we feel easy, happy and safe.

Ahh - I can't put into words what my heart is feeling.  It's still broken.  The thing I know for certain....I am so grateful for 6127.

2. CDs

One of the last things I pulled from my parent's house on Wednesday was a CD case that was in my dad's car.  Strange thing to be left behind with almost the entire house empty but it was perfect timing.  I popped in a CD on my way to the closing and immediately felt comforted - not sad - by the music that filled the tiny spaces of my life growing up. 

This morning, a few days later, one of the best songs started playing.  It instantly reminded me of his silliness.  I can picture him singing along with a HUGE smirk on his face.  I ended up listening to it twice.  I added the YouTube video for your enjoyment

 https://youtu.be/4yFTOvO0utY

3. Pam comes through again

On Wednesday night we went to Blind Owl for a quick bite to eat.  It was a rough day - one that my eyes were already burning from all of the tears.  Right before our food came, Jack started puking.  SBJ is a freaking beast.  He went straight to the bathroom when he thought he was going to be sick.  More than once.  Quickly we realized he needed to leave.  Blind Owl is insanely close to my parents house so it was a little jab to realize that we didn't have them there to help.  Instead of dwelling I text Pam and Bruce.  Mike was able to take Jack home and Pam came to Blind Owl as we finished eating and brought us home.  (Yes, I know we are spoiled and insanely loved).  But it gets better.  Mike confirmed before he left that I had money but when it came to pay - I didn't have my card!  Pam had to pay for our dinner AND drive us home.  PLUS she loved hard on my boys.  It was like a little wink from my mom in heaven.   

4. Dinner with Holli and Andy

On Tuesday night Mike and Andy set up a surprise dinner at Ocean Prime.  It was not only amazing food but also so great to sit and catch up with Holli.  

5.  The retired life

I am starting to get antsy and ready to work again.  I miss having coworkers and structure.  My life goes so much better when my mind stays busy and I have a solid routine.  Yes, I absolutely know what you are thinking.  That is completely possible when you stay at home.  AND I do love LOVE LOVE going out to lunch with people almost every day.  But, yeah, I am ready to get back in the swing of things.  

He'll do anything to not have to read 30 minutes of Spanish for homework.

I started organizing and cleaning my garage.  SO needed and overdue.

Dinner on Tuesday.

summary

1.  Mike's ALIVE

Yesterday Rouzer headed to the cabin to have some solid hunting time.  This morning he decided to change it up and was planning to hunt at Brandon and Danie's house.  Instead a neighbor and the neighbor's dog started chasing him AND shooting at him.  WT actual FUCK.  When I talked to him on the phone I told him I would support whatever he wanted to do for the rest of the day.  Within a few short minutes I realized that I needed to ASK for the things that I needed or wanted.  So I suggested we hang out today and hit up a movie.  He agreed and is on his way home.  Thank God.  

2. Date Day
Last Friday Mike had a last minute day off of work so we decided to have a date morning.  We went to yoga, lunch and then still needed to kill sometime so we ended at Cold Stone.  Once we were home we took a long ass nap.  It was heavenly.  I loved spending extra time with him.  My days get pretty lonely so it was nice to have him around.  Thankfully, Mike and I actually LIKE each other (most days) so we chat and laugh and just enjoy our time.

3. Quick play date
On Saturday morning I realized that Azariah lives right next door and would love to play.  I was correct.  He came over for a quick 30 minutes before soccer.  Jack was in heaven.

** Yes, the boys are now sleeping on mattresses on the floor.  I am that ghetto.

At the grocery store between Owen's games.  He slept through the entire trip.  I call that a win.

It looks beautiful out but it was actually insanely COLD.

 4. Cameron's passion
I love that Cameron has found something that he loves that is not a video game.  He has been teaching himself to draw.  I think my favorite part is observing his pride for his work. 

5. My silliest friend

Jack has had GREAT behavior lately.  He also has been absolutely hilarious.  He is constantly at my hip but his smiles, giggles and jokes make the day go by a bit easier.  

Retired Life

1. My grandma

Being retired is great because I am able to make quick trips to see my grandma.  I instantly feel happy when I see her.  We drank martinis, had a fabulous dinner out and I felt rested and rejuvenated when I got home.  She laughs at my jokes, tells me how I am wonderful and loved LOVED my parents.  She is easy to be around and I am so lucky that I have her.

2. Dube
Whrile I was visiting my grandma Dr. Dube called me.  I am not sure if I have written this out before so if this is old news - sorry for your luck. In my last role at CHVH I was SUPER lucky because I worked with a ton of leaders. I was directly a diad with 3 medical directors PLUS I had four other medical directors on my staff.  During my time there Dr. Dube became the head of cardiology and to top things off, I worked at the hub.  That means I was closely linked with VPs and directors.  I worked hard BUT I also was with an insanely great team.  When he called, he wanted to send condolences about my parents but he also told me not to get another job.  He told me to wait until the GPD position opened (which would be at the end of November).  Ahhhhhhh - it made me smile from ear to ear.  The best part was that I was at my grandma's house.  I was able to explain all of the details and hierarchies.  I would of loved to share this call with JoJo but she was the next best person.  Even if I don't get that position, I still felt honored that he thought of me. Oh and grateful Sarah started my comeback campaign. 

3.  The Floor
Do you see that?  It's the floor.  Insert the cartwheels here.  It has taken weeks to get this floor to reappear.  Yes, there is still stuff in the corner but last week Rick told me to save every sheet of paper.  I have already thrown away SO MUCH STUFF.  I also have some plates to send out and get rid of and wind chimes to hang.  But besides that - it's clear.  The room looks so freaking empty now.

4. Coffee

For months Cameron has asked for coffee.  Obviously that isn't going to happen but a few weeks ago I finally bought him some instant decaf packets.  Now, every morning, he makes himself instant decaf coffee.  He has learned to use the teapot, stove and how much cream he likes.  He holds it between his hands while waiting for the bus.  I am not sure why, but watching him warms my soul. 

5. Velveeta Shells and Cheese
If you don't like Velveeta shells and cheese there is something seriously wrong with you.  Oh my gosh -- so good.  The first time I introduced them to Jack he turned up his nose.  I tried again this summer and he is on board.  We both could eat these EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.  I bet it's what is on the menu tonight.

Show up

1. Today

This morning I was able to go on a walk with Laura, make it to strength and then do a quick run.  During strength I could actually feel an improvement from when i started weeks ago.  For the rest of the day I did a quick trip to the grocery, and have done hours of laundry and dishes.  Clearly I am moving VERY slowly.  The boys will be home soon, dinner is in the crock pot, and the best part of my day will begin. 

2. Coach

Probably 13 years ago I sat down and wrote out 50 goals.  Things like learn Spanish, own a lake home, visit Fiji, and earn my masters were on the list.  One of the items was be a coach.  Eventually I realized that I would probably never be a coach.  I am not a teacher and it might not be in my cards.  Well on Friday I was gifted this whistle for helping "coach" running club.   It instantly made me think of the goal written YEARS ago.  Cheers to another thing checked off the list.  Even if I wasn't trying. 

The pitch in on Friday night was great.  The Hispanic culture really does it right.  I was wishing Mike could be there to enjoy all of the amazing food. 

This was not purposeful but behind Cameron is Riley, the girl he likes.

 3. The Race
Saturday morning we woke up and Jack, Owen and I headed to the Fort.  I thought Jack would LOVE the race since he loved running club.  I was wrong.  He still finished but I would not use the word LOVE to describe his feelings.  On the other hand, Owen killed it AND he had a ton of fun.

 4. Housewarming Party
On Saturday afternoon we realized that our evening party was 2 minutes from the lake house.  We decided to pack up and head there.  It was pretty emotional.  I was flooded with feelings of sadness and grief but also overwhelmed with happiness and gratitude.  We had an absolute blast with Tony and Robyn at the party and then they came over to the lake house to play euchre.  Jack was also having a great time.  He played all night and when we got home he didn't even change.  He was pooped from the race, soccer and hours of running in the fresh air with other kids.

These two make my heart happy.  

When we got home on Sunday morning Jack was STILL in his soccer uniform from Saturday.  Total walk of shame.  And yes, I gave him a sucker because he is spoiled AF.

 5. Baptism
On Sunday we were able to enjoy Ana and Klara's baptism.  It was filled with gossip and controversy.   But basically - I am glad I showed up.  I can't scream it from the roof tops loud enough.  Showing up is SO IMPORTANT.  If it is a physical thing and you can be there in person - but even it's just sending well wishes and staying in contact long distance.  Show up people.  Just show up.  It means so freaking much.  I am well aware the importance because so many people have showed up for me.  I know that many people have not been in a real life situation to fully understand the importance - they have never been on the receiving end... either way.  SHOW UP.   

I have been focused on showing up, judgement, expectations, and support.  It's been consuming my mind.  I heard this today and it really hit hard.  "What you do speaks so loudly that people can't hear what you are saying."  ahhhh.....so freaking true.  That's it - nothing else enlightening to say.  I just thought that it was a good quote and I wanted to put it out there to the universe.

6. Mille Born
Last night I taught the boys how to play this game.  It took me a few minutes to remember how all of the cards worked.  We played this growing up and I was OBSESSED.  The boys were filled with energy and silliness all night so it was nice to sit together and play. 

day 2.

1. SOL yoga

This morning I stayed in bed and read my book and decided to not workout before yoga.  It was CRISP this morning and an absolutely perfect fall day.  I loved LOVED this new format.  Not only that but I felt strong and grounded.  It's been awhile.  Grateful for that hot AF room and the time to just move and calm my nerves.  

2. Sweatshirts 

Last night we went for a quick bite to eat before Owen's soccer game. I quickly realized the temperature would be dropping and we would be freezing before the end of the game.  Mike and Jack drove back home for sweatshirts and I walked over to the fields.  So grateful that we had the sweatshirts while we watched the game AND for the Jeep ride home.

 3. Jack was well behaved
This is the usual routine but more than once Jack asked if he was being really good.  Per usual, he was.  Great manners, great attitude and insanely silly.  It was a great night.  Don't get me wrong, by bed time I was exhausted of the silliness and needed him to just lay down (WITHOUT me).  He continued to sing in his bed while I was able to read my book and Mike worked on his hunting stuff in the garage.

4. Hunting season has started
Rouzer has been looking forward to a day to sit in a tree for MONTHS.  Months and months.  I am grateful that he is finally able to hunt again.  I hope that this year was as successful as last.  Either way - he is out in the woods today and a perfect fall day is great for the soul.

5. Walk with Laura
Yesterday Laura and I took Nash on a quick walk.  We went on a trail and it was just what I needed.  It was great to catch up, be vulnerable and know that the person you are talking to COMPLETELY has your back.  We are walking again Monday and I am already looking forward to our time together.

These glasses are SO hideous but they were free and what is better than free?  Well besides CUTE and free.

It WORKED

AHHHH it worked!  I continue to try and get these pictures to cross over and it always just kept thinking and thinking.  This morning I decided to try again but also committed that I would sit down and write if they never crossed.  Quickly..tons of pictures shared and I am able to post.  My mind has been going crazy the past few days.  I have been in a pretty low place of grief and loss.  I am struggling as I navigate the next path in my life with more moments seeming overwhelming versus exciting and new.  It's been hard.  A hard that I haven't experienced in a long time...maybe ever.  My goal is to get to the other side in one piece AND to have a family that is filled with laughter, love and fun.  I don't want my kids to feel that their foundation is cracked, broken or shifted. I want them to feel filled to the brim with confidence in themselves and enjoy the heck out of this life.  The other goal is to HAVE A GOAL.  I am such a goal oriented person I think that lack of structure and determination is not on my side.  Every goal that I think about - doubts or hesitation start to creep in.  It's strange.  I want to commit to nothing.  

Well here are a few quick daily goals I made today.  Workout everyday.  It doesn't have to be hard but it has to be something.  Do the blog.  (I know it's not a SMART goal. ...but it's still on my list.)  

I am doing my gratitude in captions today.

Lunch with Amy and Laura this week. I have been in a full, complete funk so it was good to get out of the house.  

Running club with my two competitive children.  LOVE this time with them.  I go and pick Jack up from daycare early and ruin his nap but it has been so great to have him there and he loves it. 

My husband.  This man took SUCH GOOD CARE OF ME on Saturday.  I was low.  All day.  He carried all of the weight.  He made me so proud to be his wife.  We were SUPER, insanely drunk.  This was actually the best picture from my phone that night.

It has been months that I felt lonely and sad.  Lost.  Saturday evening was the first time in months that I actually felt a sense of peace and happy.  Though she is not pictured here, Shelby made sure that the celebration was perfect.  Absolutely perfect.  I am so grateful for her and her friendship.

We had all the cousins over on Friday night to celebrate Grandpa.  I don't think that the night could of gone any better.  We played Left Right Center, had pizza and some SERIOUS games of capture the flag.  It was so much fun.  

Date day with the boys consisted of a perfect afternoon at Top Golf last Friday since they didn't have school.  

Watching the boys play sports this year has been significantly better.  I agree with Owen that sometimes it's exhausting but sports have changed FOR SURE.

I am sure that this was just another night of being together.  Since I don't work I want to stay up late. Ohhh and I am wearing my favorite shirt that I usually wear three days in a row.  Yes - embarrassing but real.  

I FINALLY met Claire.  It was so nice to spend time in North Carolina.  I love catching up with Lauren and wish we lived closer.  PLUS - I am obsessed with their new house.

SPA day.  It was nice to just sit and relax all day.  Just BE.  The spa was beautiful and I loved the company.

Pat flew me first class.  Yes - Spoiled AF.

We take walks with Jack sometimes at night so he will sleep.  He quickly convinces me to run the entire time so I let him.

Owen's project.  He was proud and worked VERY hard with lots of boxes and tape.

This was Cameron's shrimp BEFORE the eyes.  He did his at Jack's soccer game and then asked one neighbor for sting and the other one for google eyes. Resourceful.  Yes - I am proud that he not only asked for help but he MADE IT HAPPEN.  Cheers to that. 

Jack kept asking his coach to sit out this morning.  When I questioned him about it he said, "this is how you play soccer."  Note that he is sitting on his ball watching the wrong game.

I have gone through a million, trillion pictures and old memories.  This was one of my favorites.

Atticus is HERE.  It has been so much fun to hold him but then pass him right back off and complete my day.  I'll admit - he is SO stinking cute and at the same time does not make me want another baby.  AT ALL.

Always touching his penis.  Always.  

How can you not be grateful for neighbors who have kids the same age.  Oh i would of given a LOT for this when the twins were little.  We are super lucky.

Bruce is a fucking BEAST when it comes to garage sales.  I might hire him for my next sale.

A night away with the Gurchiek family was fun but also lonely.  It made me miss my own parents and our own lake house.  Grateful that they included me and that the boys had a blast.

Nash is super camera shy.  This was at the vet a few weeks ago to help with his crazy allergies.  Grateful for an easy, sweet dog.

Entertaining the 4 year old at ANOTHER game.