It's a hard day

I have been putting off this post for over a week now.  I didn't know how to do it justice, so instead of facing the battle head on, I but it on the back burner and tried to bury my head in the sand.  Yesterday I decided to get my shit together and face the blank screen - waiting for my feelings to be poured out.  The thing is, it's impossible to write what is on my heart. It's constantly changing.  It's sad, angry, frustrated as hell and numb AF.  I literally have no words.  The same thing happened 5 years ago when the truth was too hard to write that I ended up taking a hiatus from the blog.  For the past few days I have been trying to figure out how I should write down what I am feeling....and eventually I decided to write about what I have been grateful for in the past few days.  This blog is about being grateful for the little things even when the HUGE things suck.  Bad.   I have been fearful that I would miss the details of how fabulous my mom was and how she was HUGE part of our lives that is now missing.  So instead, I am going to look at the last few days - pull out some gems that helped me get to the next moment, or made me smile or made me so freaking grateful.  It goes without saying that I am grateful for JoJo and that she was my mom.  I'm grateful that our lives where so close and her friendship and support will be missed.  ....that being said....here goes...

1. My Aunt Pam

This week would of been seemingly impossible without Pam by my side.  She took the reigns and let me have space and the time to breathe.  She shared the hours beside my mom's bedside.  She arranged visitors, hospice drop offs ...I could carry on forever.  She told me no less than 50 times that she would always be there for me and though I have heard those words 8 trillion times this week - I know that hers are real and long standing.  She stood beside me when it was tough and sucked.  I am so grateful for my Aunt Pam.  

2. Rouzer

In the wee hours of Saturday, July 21st, Mike was with me as I sobbed, begged, pleaded, sweat beads of agony and watched my mom transition.  I have seen multiple patients die and this is the third close relative I have been with while they passed.  They have all been different.  Earlier in the week I confessed that watching Erin pass away has been the hardest moment of my life and if I had a choice I would rather not be at the bedside when my mom passed.  Obviously, when we make those plans they get tossed in the air.  Mike and I were with her for those last few hours.  During her last few breaths we were able to wake my dad to be at her side.  I am so grateful that I was not alone that night.  

3.  Text messages and social media
I absolutely know that this is a huge cop out on life but I am so grateful that I can text and don't have to be the one to have millions of phone conversations.  I have received trillions of texts and well wishes from people who are across all areas of my life.  They are sharing the sweetest stories... ones that were such a small part of my life.  For example, an old college friend told me about how she found out she got a job with the admissions department when she was at my house and my mom was so excited and gave her a huge hug.  These stories have FILLED my inbasket, mailbox and cell phone text messages.  It's been both over whelming and hard to take in AND sweet.  So I guess, bittersweet.  One more life example to SHOW UP FOR PEOPLE.  It matters.  A LOT.

 4. Benadryl, Netflix and Yatzee
Don't judge.  Besides the love, support and comfort food - this is how I made it through the week.  I sat on my couch numb.  Getting a constant stream of texts and calls.  The benadryl made me fall asleep semi quickly, stay asleep and feel rested when I woke up.  Netflix was heavenly to binge watch ridiculous TV while easily getting distracted in someone else's made up drama.  Yatzee is on my phone and kept me distracted.  Can you see a theme.... I just wanted to think about something else.  Anything else. 

 5. Talking to Jess about Erin
It has been extremely difficult to talk about Erin or the kids with Jess.  It has nothing to do with Jess and everything to do with me and burying my head in the sand.  We have never rehashed the events of that week and our talks are cordial and easy.  It's always been hard me - a deep seeded sadness that I don't like to bring up.  Last Friday I went to Blend with Jess, John and Mike.  (I actually invited myself so I could get out of the house.)  Maybe it was because both Erin and my mom where in heaven helping to soften my soul, and be okay with our huge loss - i don't know - but either way - my conversation with Jess felt healing.  I am grateful for him, his support and his new wife Megan.

my mom taught me to live this life through forgiveness, empathy and strength.  In her last 5 years she battled the sadness of losing a daughter, struggled with a painful PAINFUL terminal illness and a husband who fully became a different man and pushed her to the core.  She was tested in every. single. way. possible.  At times it was hard to love easily and harder to laugh at the day to day.  It was hard.  No other way around it.  Initially, my mom didn't know how to tackle the hard without her work and family that she loved. (She retired that same May since she was so sick and so much happening at home).  None of us handled the change of May gracefully.  She literally had to start over.  It was hard to watch. 

She started going to the YMCA to find some balance and strength and ended up with lots of friends.  She went to church to find peace and grace and ended up with tons of friends.  She joined bible study and made it out for cocktail club for fellowship..... she rebuilt.  She was not the same mom that I had growing up.  We lost a lot that May.  Not just with Erin, but with her health. She was lonely at home and tried day after to day to LIVE THIS LIFE.   It was a big loss that struck at the foundation of who we were as a family. 

I am grateful for my mom.  I am grateful that we have had so many hours together.  That we were close.  That we didn't leave things unsaid.  I am so grateful that I grew up with strong women.