S'mores

I think that it is fair to say that we miss our old "normal."  We were pretty lucky and pretty set when the first of the year rolled around.  Don't get me wrong, I still consider myself extremely lucky.  But these past few months have been rough and the air extremely thick.  It's just hard.  We have a lot going on and the day to day becomes hard and when you can't get your foundation set everything is just a bit harder.  I think that this new routine and new normal is trying to make itself at home and though we kick our feet, stick our heads in the sand, and find it hard to breathe at times….we know it's folding out around us.  This past week I have tried to be more conscious of doing things that don't seem hard.  Of using my mind and my strength to keep me on track and be the parent, spouse, sister, daughter, friend, and coworker that I want to be.  It has made it easier to breath.  We have really been able to enjoy each other and our time together and not be bogged down with the day to day frustrations and hang-ups.  But just as I was getting my grove back I got stopped in my tracks.  I got pulled back to the thickness and frustration and anger of the loss.   Sawyer keeps leaving his house in the middle of the night and it is extremely scary and disheartening.  Tonight we are having the kids stay here (as you will see in the pictures below) and Mike is going to sleep on the couch and though I am usually great about hearing the bedroom door open, I am going to sleep without a fan on.  We are nervous for his safety.  I decided today that I need to take a step back and be more present at the same time.  It's hard, uncharted waters without a guide.  Where can I step in and when do I keep my mouth shut.  I am really struggling, really miss my sister, and I am really grateful that the kids are all safe here at my house.

1. Friday Night
Yesterday night we decided to make a fire and cookout.  We made hot dogs and smores.  It was a perfect night and everyone had a great time.  Hopefully we can get a few more nights like this in before it gets too cold out.

(Owen and I were sitting in the front yard talking about school.  It's so crazy how I can have actual conversations with the kids…sometimes.)

2. Time
This week I tried to get a lot of my endless "To Do" list done on my two free days.  That way we could actually spend some quality time with each other.  And it has been great.  On Thursday after I picked the boys up from school we even went swimming for an hour at the gym.

This picture below is when we were all sitting on a little chair taking pictures and then Cameron "gassed" on us.

3. Superheros
Obsession.  Clearly.  This morning we went downtown and did the Heart Walk.  The boys dressed as wolverine and the hulk and then had their face painted.  We had a good morning PLUS got some fresh air and exercise.  It was nice to get the day started off to a great start.

4. Cousins
The boys LOVE Sawyer and Eloise.  It is great that they are all so close in age.  We picked the kids up and went to the park, made some pizza, and then ran around the house and trashed it.  It is always exhausting and leaves the adults spent BUT it is so much fun for the kids and so important.  So grateful for these silly ones.

 5. The letters were sent!!
This has been on my to do list since before our trip to Europe.  I have been mustering up the courage to write a letter to the families who received Erin's kidneys.  I purchased the cards months ago and every few days I move the cards, think about what I am going to write, or give my self a "due date."  Well this week on one of my days off I finally took the plunge.  Now the letters are mailed and out of my hands.  Even if I don't hear back I just feel a bit lighter knowing that I sent them.