every. day.

1. Emotional bravery

I have been having a hard time in the past year with mustering up some emotional bravery.  On the days that I step up to the plate I feel proud but most days it takes courage to step up and I find myself there few and far between.  I find myself stretching, growing, and continually trying to be brave and if I am being honest, most days I just stick my head in the sand. 

I am not trying to be vague.  Most of the time I am around Sawyer and Eloise I find myself struggling.  It's not that I want to bury my head in the sand.  The heaviness of Erin's absence becomes overwhelming.  I feel that I need to be more present and struggle with the reality of my role and responsibility.  It's a hard internal struggle that I find myself facing -- and though I know it is all internal -- it is all very real.  I want to do MORE...but doing more is really hard.  Exhaustingly hard.  And then I find that I am a terrible wife, a difficult mom and an overwhelmed Aunt.  So then I back up.... and in a few short days I feel sad and disappointed that I have not stepped up to the plate.  I have struggled to figure out how to do both.  How to be there for Sawyer, Eloise, and Jess but to also be the mom and wife I want to be for my own family.  Next year Jess plans on moving to Denver.  It will be different challenge and at times I think that it could be easier.  I would be farther from the pain but also farther from the responsibility that I KNOW is a necessity.  

I am typing this out on the eve of ballet.  Ballet is not hard BUT I am also not really spending quality time with Eloise.  I am more of a chauffeur and then sit out side her classroom while she dances.  It takes my entire evening away from the twins (I take sweet baby Jack with me).  I get home in time for a goodnight kiss.  I don't want to sound like I am complaining because that is not my intention.  My intention is to document this struggle of loss.  I miss Erin.  I don't want to feel that I have to step up.  I want her to be here.  I want this nightmare to go away.  I don't want to feel that I am failing as a sister or as an aunt AND in order to succeed in those areas I fail as a mom or a wife.  I want to be able to find balance.  To share in happiness and joy.  I want to provide healthy interactions and safe secure hugs.  

I am continuing to grow and I do feel that I am doing better.  A little bit.  I am grateful for this little bit...no matter how little it might be.

2. Cameron found his coat

Yesterday Cameron brought home two coats from school. His new coat AND his lost (now found) coat. 

3. Owen is a BEAST

My sweet Owen rarely gets sick and when he does he is a beast.  He has had a rough cough for the past few days and though I have given him some cough medicine before bed he rarely complains and acts like his normal self.  Last night when the boys got home I was giving them hugs and Cameron felt warm.  He has been pouty and exhausted lately so I thought maybe he was running a fever.  

Owen went and grabbed the thermometer for me and I was wrong.  His temp was normal.  Owen asked for me to take his -- and his was 100.6 !! Now I am a nurse and know that this isn't through the roof but I also know that if I had a temp of 100.6 I would be miserable.  Miserable.  I wasn't even going to take his temp!!  I immediately gave him some more medicine, extra hugs, and LOTS of compliments. This morning it was down to 99.5.  Grateful for his beast mode. 

4. The video monitor

This morning Jack woke up at 430.  He has not officially changed his time back an hour like the rest of us. I got up with him, fed him and tried to put him back down in hopes that he would figure out that time is pushed back an hour.  Once I let Nash out and I got back to bed I looked in the video monitor and could see him standing in his crib staring at the door.  He was quietly staring just waiting for me to come back.  It made me smile and I promptly woke Mike up and passed off the responsibility.  Anyways --back to my point.  I love that I can see him without opening the door.  

5. My husband

I try not to add him to the list every single post but he in reality he makes my list every time.  He is wonderful.  So grateful for this man and the life that we have together.