It WORKED

AHHHH it worked!  I continue to try and get these pictures to cross over and it always just kept thinking and thinking.  This morning I decided to try again but also committed that I would sit down and write if they never crossed.  Quickly..tons of pictures shared and I am able to post.  My mind has been going crazy the past few days.  I have been in a pretty low place of grief and loss.  I am struggling as I navigate the next path in my life with more moments seeming overwhelming versus exciting and new.  It's been hard.  A hard that I haven't experienced in a long time...maybe ever.  My goal is to get to the other side in one piece AND to have a family that is filled with laughter, love and fun.  I don't want my kids to feel that their foundation is cracked, broken or shifted. I want them to feel filled to the brim with confidence in themselves and enjoy the heck out of this life.  The other goal is to HAVE A GOAL.  I am such a goal oriented person I think that lack of structure and determination is not on my side.  Every goal that I think about - doubts or hesitation start to creep in.  It's strange.  I want to commit to nothing.  

Well here are a few quick daily goals I made today.  Workout everyday.  It doesn't have to be hard but it has to be something.  Do the blog.  (I know it's not a SMART goal. ...but it's still on my list.)  

I am doing my gratitude in captions today.

Lunch with Amy and Laura this week. I have been in a full, complete funk so it was good to get out of the house.  

Running club with my two competitive children.  LOVE this time with them.  I go and pick Jack up from daycare early and ruin his nap but it has been so great to have him there and he loves it. 

My husband.  This man took SUCH GOOD CARE OF ME on Saturday.  I was low.  All day.  He carried all of the weight.  He made me so proud to be his wife.  We were SUPER, insanely drunk.  This was actually the best picture from my phone that night.

It has been months that I felt lonely and sad.  Lost.  Saturday evening was the first time in months that I actually felt a sense of peace and happy.  Though she is not pictured here, Shelby made sure that the celebration was perfect.  Absolutely perfect.  I am so grateful for her and her friendship.

We had all the cousins over on Friday night to celebrate Grandpa.  I don't think that the night could of gone any better.  We played Left Right Center, had pizza and some SERIOUS games of capture the flag.  It was so much fun.  

Date day with the boys consisted of a perfect afternoon at Top Golf last Friday since they didn't have school.  

Watching the boys play sports this year has been significantly better.  I agree with Owen that sometimes it's exhausting but sports have changed FOR SURE.

I am sure that this was just another night of being together.  Since I don't work I want to stay up late. Ohhh and I am wearing my favorite shirt that I usually wear three days in a row.  Yes - embarrassing but real.  

I FINALLY met Claire.  It was so nice to spend time in North Carolina.  I love catching up with Lauren and wish we lived closer.  PLUS - I am obsessed with their new house.

SPA day.  It was nice to just sit and relax all day.  Just BE.  The spa was beautiful and I loved the company.

Pat flew me first class.  Yes - Spoiled AF.

We take walks with Jack sometimes at night so he will sleep.  He quickly convinces me to run the entire time so I let him.

Owen's project.  He was proud and worked VERY hard with lots of boxes and tape.

This was Cameron's shrimp BEFORE the eyes.  He did his at Jack's soccer game and then asked one neighbor for sting and the other one for google eyes. Resourceful.  Yes - I am proud that he not only asked for help but he MADE IT HAPPEN.  Cheers to that. 

Jack kept asking his coach to sit out this morning.  When I questioned him about it he said, "this is how you play soccer."  Note that he is sitting on his ball watching the wrong game.

I have gone through a million, trillion pictures and old memories.  This was one of my favorites.

Atticus is HERE.  It has been so much fun to hold him but then pass him right back off and complete my day.  I'll admit - he is SO stinking cute and at the same time does not make me want another baby.  AT ALL.

Always touching his penis.  Always.  

How can you not be grateful for neighbors who have kids the same age.  Oh i would of given a LOT for this when the twins were little.  We are super lucky.

Bruce is a fucking BEAST when it comes to garage sales.  I might hire him for my next sale.

A night away with the Gurchiek family was fun but also lonely.  It made me miss my own parents and our own lake house.  Grateful that they included me and that the boys had a blast.

Nash is super camera shy.  This was at the vet a few weeks ago to help with his crazy allergies.  Grateful for an easy, sweet dog.

Entertaining the 4 year old at ANOTHER game.  

Fresh

My photos are not crossing over this evening but I decided that I should still sit down and attempt to get back to the blog.  The past few weeks have been pretty dark for me.  I have found myself continuing to spiral, feeling insanely alone and wanting to hibernate inside my house as time passes by.  Don't worry - I have actually made myself get up and try to function.  It's been easier said than done.  Last week I ended up quitting my job.  I am angry for most moments in the day and Eskenazi was driving me bananas.

This week my plan is to WORK OUT, get shit done and take time to heal.  Wish me luck.  I'll need it.

1.  I have the ability to quit.
It's scary AF but so is spiraling into a deep depression.  I decided to put the breaks on the spiral and start digging myself out.  Grateful that I have the ability to walk away from a job.  Grateful that I will be able to pay my bills, love on my children, and take care of myself.

2.  Busy weekend
I am trying to stay busy - it's working.  This weekend we had a MRO party on Saturday night and then Sunday I spent the night at the Gurchiek's lake house with the boys.  They were both a blast and a great way to spend the weekend.

3. Mike's trip to Columbus
Rouzer was FINALLY able to catch up with friends.  It has been a long summer so a night out in Columbus was not only long over due but much needed.  He told me about how he sat outside of a burrito joint and just had full on belly laughs for so long that his body hurt from laughing.  Ahhhh - so grateful that he was able to make the quick trip.

4. Nap
This afternoon the boys played electronics and I took a nap.  Like - I real nap.  Not just laying down with one ear open.  It felt fabulous.

5. The help
Oh goodness, I don't think that I could list all of the people who have helped me get through the day.  My sorority sisters who I haven't talked to in 15 years, friends from elementary school, Mike's family, old friends, new coworkers.....I mean the list is long and crazy.  Grateful for the village showing up when I didn't know how much I needed them.

impossible

I am trying to give myself time to grasp what is now reality.  I think that my anger and overwhelming sadness have successfully depleted most of my coping mechanisms.  I go through the day with almost everything...literally everything...and think "Ahhh - this is one of the blessings that I should be looking for."  Yesterday I was walking to the mailbox and I realized, "I haven't been sad for almost 10 minutes.  Someone must be praying for me or sending me strength and it's working."  I am trying desperately to see 6 months out...to have some of these responsibilities and decisions under my belt and be in the swing of a new normal.  The weight of the world feels heavy right now though I keenly know, it is just my own emotional weight.  (Thankfully) I am fully aware that today too will end, and I will wake up with tomorrow. 

My dad was my biggest supporter when the boys were little.  He was always around helping.  Always.

ok, so I am absolutely sure that I don't have the strength and ability to talk about how great my dad was and how much he meant to me right now.  It's too deep and too raw.  So I am going to do a quick 5.  I am in a pretty big ebb right now so please bear with my 5.  It's hard to see the beauty in the day.

1. Flowers

I just received the most beautiful flowers from an old sorority sister who I haven't talked to for over 15 years.  That is how these past few weeks have been.  It was the same when my sister died and is more overwhelming when my parents have passed.  The gratitude stops you in your tracks.    

so.....I have started #2 and erased and started and erased multiple times.  Nothing is able to capture my heart.  I don't want to give up on my blog post- I have done that before.  I think I am going to leave it with what my aunt said to me while we were in the hospital at my dad's bedside.

"Your dad was a great dad.  He was a great dad before it was actually a thing to be a great dad.  You guys had a good life.  You had lots of good memories.  You did it right.  You didn't leave any regrets on the table.  You should be so proud of the family that you grew up in and the love that you guys had for each other."

It's a hard day

I have been putting off this post for over a week now.  I didn't know how to do it justice, so instead of facing the battle head on, I but it on the back burner and tried to bury my head in the sand.  Yesterday I decided to get my shit together and face the blank screen - waiting for my feelings to be poured out.  The thing is, it's impossible to write what is on my heart. It's constantly changing.  It's sad, angry, frustrated as hell and numb AF.  I literally have no words.  The same thing happened 5 years ago when the truth was too hard to write that I ended up taking a hiatus from the blog.  For the past few days I have been trying to figure out how I should write down what I am feeling....and eventually I decided to write about what I have been grateful for in the past few days.  This blog is about being grateful for the little things even when the HUGE things suck.  Bad.   I have been fearful that I would miss the details of how fabulous my mom was and how she was HUGE part of our lives that is now missing.  So instead, I am going to look at the last few days - pull out some gems that helped me get to the next moment, or made me smile or made me so freaking grateful.  It goes without saying that I am grateful for JoJo and that she was my mom.  I'm grateful that our lives where so close and her friendship and support will be missed.  ....that being said....here goes...

1. My Aunt Pam

This week would of been seemingly impossible without Pam by my side.  She took the reigns and let me have space and the time to breathe.  She shared the hours beside my mom's bedside.  She arranged visitors, hospice drop offs ...I could carry on forever.  She told me no less than 50 times that she would always be there for me and though I have heard those words 8 trillion times this week - I know that hers are real and long standing.  She stood beside me when it was tough and sucked.  I am so grateful for my Aunt Pam.  

2. Rouzer

In the wee hours of Saturday, July 21st, Mike was with me as I sobbed, begged, pleaded, sweat beads of agony and watched my mom transition.  I have seen multiple patients die and this is the third close relative I have been with while they passed.  They have all been different.  Earlier in the week I confessed that watching Erin pass away has been the hardest moment of my life and if I had a choice I would rather not be at the bedside when my mom passed.  Obviously, when we make those plans they get tossed in the air.  Mike and I were with her for those last few hours.  During her last few breaths we were able to wake my dad to be at her side.  I am so grateful that I was not alone that night.  

3.  Text messages and social media
I absolutely know that this is a huge cop out on life but I am so grateful that I can text and don't have to be the one to have millions of phone conversations.  I have received trillions of texts and well wishes from people who are across all areas of my life.  They are sharing the sweetest stories... ones that were such a small part of my life.  For example, an old college friend told me about how she found out she got a job with the admissions department when she was at my house and my mom was so excited and gave her a huge hug.  These stories have FILLED my inbasket, mailbox and cell phone text messages.  It's been both over whelming and hard to take in AND sweet.  So I guess, bittersweet.  One more life example to SHOW UP FOR PEOPLE.  It matters.  A LOT.

 4. Benadryl, Netflix and Yatzee
Don't judge.  Besides the love, support and comfort food - this is how I made it through the week.  I sat on my couch numb.  Getting a constant stream of texts and calls.  The benadryl made me fall asleep semi quickly, stay asleep and feel rested when I woke up.  Netflix was heavenly to binge watch ridiculous TV while easily getting distracted in someone else's made up drama.  Yatzee is on my phone and kept me distracted.  Can you see a theme.... I just wanted to think about something else.  Anything else. 

 5. Talking to Jess about Erin
It has been extremely difficult to talk about Erin or the kids with Jess.  It has nothing to do with Jess and everything to do with me and burying my head in the sand.  We have never rehashed the events of that week and our talks are cordial and easy.  It's always been hard me - a deep seeded sadness that I don't like to bring up.  Last Friday I went to Blend with Jess, John and Mike.  (I actually invited myself so I could get out of the house.)  Maybe it was because both Erin and my mom where in heaven helping to soften my soul, and be okay with our huge loss - i don't know - but either way - my conversation with Jess felt healing.  I am grateful for him, his support and his new wife Megan.

my mom taught me to live this life through forgiveness, empathy and strength.  In her last 5 years she battled the sadness of losing a daughter, struggled with a painful PAINFUL terminal illness and a husband who fully became a different man and pushed her to the core.  She was tested in every. single. way. possible.  At times it was hard to love easily and harder to laugh at the day to day.  It was hard.  No other way around it.  Initially, my mom didn't know how to tackle the hard without her work and family that she loved. (She retired that same May since she was so sick and so much happening at home).  None of us handled the change of May gracefully.  She literally had to start over.  It was hard to watch. 

She started going to the YMCA to find some balance and strength and ended up with lots of friends.  She went to church to find peace and grace and ended up with tons of friends.  She joined bible study and made it out for cocktail club for fellowship..... she rebuilt.  She was not the same mom that I had growing up.  We lost a lot that May.  Not just with Erin, but with her health. She was lonely at home and tried day after to day to LIVE THIS LIFE.   It was a big loss that struck at the foundation of who we were as a family. 

I am grateful for my mom.  I am grateful that we have had so many hours together.  That we were close.  That we didn't leave things unsaid.  I am so grateful that I grew up with strong women. 

the real

I am at work, updating the blog, since I don't have enough work to do, but last week was rough.  I don't think that I have the emotional stability to share any of the gritty details.  To make a long story short, my mom's cancer is starting to aggressively attack her liver.  The attack has come on quickly and does not seem to be slowing down.  She started a new oral chemotherapy but the doctor also told us to call in family that wants to say goodbye and made her a DNR.  I am sure you can guess... it has been one of those weeks.  

So in an effort to not sit at my desk and cry I am going to do a quick 5.

1. More time with my mom

So the death of my mom is a lot different than the death of my sister.  I have been able to sit and tell my mom how much I love her, how I am grateful to be her daughter and how freaking wonderful she is.  There have been a parade of people doing the same.  In the past 24 hours she is starting to get more confused but I am grateful she will see all the grand babies and say "love you" to friends and family.

2. Menless mimosa brunch
We received the official news on Friday (though the entire week was leading up to this discussion) so on Saturday we decided to have an impromptu brunch with the girls.  It was perfect and I think just what we all needed.  I am grateful that we are actually taking the time vs putting our heads in the sand.

3. Dinner out with Shelby and Tanya
This night out was perfect.  I was exhausted and VERY drunk but I am so grateful to get away from the heaviness and reality of the week.  Lots of laughs, updates and just simply time together.  These women carried me through the darkness before and I am so grateful that they are here again. 

4.  Family in town

Kate and Kyle got in town early Sunday morning (like 2 am) and Jess and the family are coming in late tonight.  I am glad that my mom is able to get a few extra hugs and not just needing to stare at my ugly mug all day.

5. Rouzer

Like I stated before....this past week has been a long one.  With my new job, all the tests and doctors appointments, extra time with my mom..... it took up all of my energy. Mike helped in every way possible, doing all the chores, meals, moving kids around, ensuring that I slept, more dishes, meals....the works.  He took kids to the movies, gave my mom Jeep rides...more carting people around....  I rarely said thank you, didn't have the energy for many smiles and still felt heavy and overwhelmed with life.  Mike kept plugging along and ensured that we didn't drown during the crazy of life.  I am so grateful that I get to do this life with him.  Thank you Mike!!

Old

 ***I wrote this post but for some reason never posted in last week.  I saw it still sitting in my list so though it's a bit late - here is a quick 5 from early last week.***

1. Watermelon drinks

On Saturday I pulled out some frozen watermelon and added vodka strawberry lemonade.  It was refreshing and heavenly.  Perfect way to spend the afternoon while I helped Mike clean out the garage.

 2. Jack loves to help
On Saturday Jack LOVED helping me clean windows and spiral zucchini.  All day Sunday he asked to clean more windows.    It was nice to spend some time with him AND nice to get stuff accomplished.

3.  No arguing
Last night the twins came home from Chicago.  Obviously I was super excited to see their faces and they both looked so much taller than when they left.  But the best part of the night was NO ARGUING.  At least my memory is that they got along pretty well, chilled out and there wasn't too much drama.

4. Car detailed
I put this on the list last post but it needed to be listed again.  My car was so freaking clean that I thought it wasn't my car.  It was WELL WORTH $160.

5.  Girl Friends Guide to Divorce
This is my new show I am watching on Netflix.  Easy, not intense.  Just gives my mind an escape for a bit.

YOLO

I write the blog out in my mind ALL DAY LONG. I look at the day and think about what I want to write - both good and bad.  It's eloquent and spell checked.  I have so much to say in my head about who I am and where I am.  Not physically, but mentally.  Like a personal journal.  But then when I sit down to write I remember that this isn't personal.  It's public.  And though my current reader base only consists of Mike it is still a little frightening to be fully authentic.  

I am going to share some stuff right now that normally doesn't make the blog.  In the past month or so I have come to the realization that both of my parents will very likely pass away within the next two years.  I am being generous with 2 years and anticipate that it will be shorter BUT who knows...right?  So once my parents both die, and my sister has passed away ...I will be the only one left. When I was talking to my grandma about this she said, "yeah and I am old and going to die quickly after."  It's a strange thought to toss around in your head.  For those of you who think that I am being dramatic - at our vacation last week - all of my extended family agreed with me.  

Usually I am in a continual state of YOLO.  Continual.  It makes you a terrible home owner when pulling weeds and washing windows doesn't make your daily YOLO list..... I am diverging....  But I have started to distance myself from my parents.  I call it boundaries.  In full transparency, in the past two weeks I have been full of anger and completely void of patience.  It has been extremely difficult to watch them slowly die - and at times - quickly.  To repeat the same instructions over and over and OVER is hard.  And then, after all that time, when my mom still takes a pain pill instead of the pump it literally makes me lose my mind.  

In complete transparency, it has been nice to have boundaries.  To not call every day or go to every appointment like I have done in the past.  It has given me the mental break that I have needed to handle the shit that is about to hit the fan.  I haven't been myself.  Not even close.  I eat too much candy, drink too much beer, binge watch Netflix and stay inside my own head longing for a different path.  

Today, I have decided to move forward with patience, grace and hope that these next few months are not completely miserable but instead I am able to enjoy the time and understand that though my parents are completely different than they were 5 or 6 years ago - they are still my parents and they still need my support.  (Wow - that was a long, run on sentence.  See - those things don't happen in my head.)

1.  First week at my new job is OVER

oh holy hell do I hate orientation.  HATE.  It has been no different at Eskenazi.  Next week I have a lot more on my calendar so I am hopeful that things will start to turn around.

2. My car is getting detailed

WHAT?!!!  I have been wanting to do this for over a year.  Every time I receive money (yes, we are so freaking lucky to get gifts from Mike's family for our bday, mother's day, and Christmas) I want to get my car detailed.  It is happening today and I am PUMPED to not have a smelly car that is filled with dog hair and grossness.

3. Pulled weeds

As I mentioned before Mike and I both agree that we are TERRIBLE home owners.  There is a bank, near the garage, of flowers and plants from the homeowner before me that was filled with weeds.  Like three foot weeds.  Not judge.  We suck.  So I finally pulled the large weeds from that spot because they bother me every time I pull into the driveway.  I still left all the short weeds because holy hell that is a task BUT large weeds/trees are gone.

4.  These videos

I have watched and shared these videos more than once.  They make me laugh so hard.

https://youtu.be/X62d9chEDZg

https://youtu.be/aHIoQfsh59w

Please enjoy.  And if you don't laugh - you are so lame.

5. Chill 4th of July

This July 4th the twins were in Chicago and Mike was in Charlotte with Jack.  I decided to head up and see my grandma in Valpo and then have an amazingly chill night at home with Nash.  It was a little lonely but at the same time absolutely wonderful to not have responsibilities.